Dating 101: The Red Flags Master List
“STOP!
Do not pass go! Do not collect $200!”
In September of 2016 I went on a date with a professing Christian guy to Red Lobster. No, The red flag was not going to Red Lobster. At least those cheddar biscuits are bomb, right? Ha!
While we were out, I noticed 4 red flags. While he did come pick me up, open my car door, hold the restaurant door open, and pay for the meal, that’s the expected bare minimum and should never be anything for a woman to be easily impressed by. What else, sis?
The first red flag happened in the lobby while we were waiting for a table. We saw someone he knew and he put his hand on my leg when he introduced me to them. Not my shoulder or my back, my leg. MY LEG. This obviously made me question his personal boundaries for himself and boundaries with others. The other red flags were:
1. The kind of comments he made about homeschooling (I have my own thoughts about homeschooling, but I found his particular comments odd because he was homeschooled. Strange. 🤔)
2. Him believing what his pastor dad said about physical attraction not mattering in a relationship. Um. WHET? Talk about feeling self-conscious in that moment. Idk about you, but I want a man who is definitely physically attracted to me and in other ways as well.
3. Something else that I felt, but couldn't figure out at that moment. 🤔
So even though I couldn’t quite put my finger on the deeper reasons why I felt that he wasn’t a good fit, I just knew that something was WAY OFF. And because I have never been the type to ignore when something feels off, I knew early on in the date that this was a hard ABSOLUTELY nah for me. #NEXT
The next day I called one of my best friends, M, told her that I really wasn’t feeling it, and again that something was just... OFF. I also asked her how I should tell him that I wasn’t interested. She suggested that I simply tell him that I think there is a better fit out there for him. I called and told him this and he was actually very gracious, mature, and understanding. I was relieved because many of us have had the very unfortunate experience of telling men “no” in any capacity and having them: become verbally abusive by going off and calling us names; try to coerce and convince us that we are wrong for not wanting to “give them a chance” or continue seeing them at all; and even threaten or get physically violent with us. Dating as a woman can be scary. These negative and unnecessary responses often make us hesitant to speak up when we aren’t feeling it and sometimes how we end up staying in the wrong relationships or ghosting someone - which is absolutely justifiable in this case. More on that later…
A few weeks later - I think due to some facebook interactions and shortly before he unfriended me - I realized what it was about him that was off: HE WAS NOT A KIND PERSON! As a result, he had a very hardened presence (body language and demeanor) and even speech that made me feel uncomfortable and unsafe around him. If you don’t already know this, you cannot have any kind of healthy relationship with someone whom you feel uncomfortable and unsafe around. I actually remember feeling very tense and like I couldn’t open up and share my thoughts while on the date and y’all who know me KNOW how unafraid I am to speak my mind.
I KNEW IT!!! Normally, my gut is right about people and that’s why I don’t ever ignore it. Since kindness is a fruit of the Spirit, I came to this conclusion: if he is missing ONE of these fruit of the Spirit, WHAT ELSE IS MISSING??? Love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and/or self-control???? I’ll pass! I want a man with all fruit present AND growing!
Then in 2019, I found out through a friend via his very public social media page that he apostatized from the faith into African spirituality, got married to a woman who is also into some sexually immoral activities like bdsm and polyamory (I almost got caught up in this with a married couple when I was in college and before I was a Believer! Eeeek! Thank you God for keeping me!!!), as well as posting very provocative pictures and videos of himself.
Some would say I dodged a bullet, but I dodged a BAZOOKA!!!! If I had been so desperate for a relationship and marriage and ignored those red flags, I would definitely be divorced - and maybe with children - from this man by now. Lord have mercy.
Ladies: please do not everrrr ignore your gut or any red flags you see!!!
So, let’s break down some things about red flags before we jump into the 200+ ones that I listed below.
WHAT IS A RED FLAG AND WHERE DID IT ORIGINATE?
A red flag is a signal of a problem or danger.
“The earliest use of a red flag was used in 1777 to warn of a coming flood. Red flags are used for various signals in team sailing races; as a signal of high wildfire danger; dangerous water conditions on a beach with double red flags meaning the beach is closed; and for an auto race to stop due to dangerous conditions." (Wikipedia) Now, notice the common words: WARN & DANGER.
In dating or a current relationship, a red flag is a warning sign that is used to identify or draw attention to SEVERE and INEXCUSABLE problems/issues, character flaws, and unrepentant sins. They are always unhealthy, harmful, or dangerous and therefore DEALBREAKERS because they are issues of personal safety and/or relationship health. *note that while red flags are always dealbreakers, dealbreakers are not always red flags. A dealbreaker could be someone who smokes cigarettes while a red flag is someone who is emotionally abusive.*
I’m repeating how severe red flags are because some of us don’t understand how serious these are and that we need to always RUN from them. Red flags mean something is seriously wrong and that you need to RUN AWAY.
RED FLAGS MEAN RUN. DO NOT MOVE FORWARD. THEY ARE NOT RIGHT FOR YOU. THIS IS NOT A GOOD OR SAFE PERSON.
RED FLAGS, YELLOW FLAGS, & BAGGAGE/BURDENS
Not everything is a red flag and it’s important to know the difference between red flags, yellow flags, and baggage/burdens.
Red flags mean “RUN” and are things you should not wait on to be changed. In the event you do address red flags, be prepared for possible pushback, gaslighting, or pleading for another chance accompanied by empty promises and short-term behavioral changes only. If that happens, be prepared to leave and not go back on your word about not being with them.
Example of Universal Red Flag: Someone who makes fun of you or your emotions and isn’t there for you.
Example of Personal Red Flag: A man who says he is a Christian, but does not believe in obeying God’s Word or abstinence until he is married. This is a red flag and a deal breaker for me but will not be a red flag or deal breaker for those who are not Christians.
Yellow flags mean, “discuss and proceed with caution” because these things can be addressed, worked on, changed, and even tolerated in the event they don’t completely go away. They might be preferences or annoyances, but don’t pose a danger or threat to you or the relationship.
Example: A man who has no friends or way too many friends is a yellow flag and you need to figure out why this is. It could become a red flag that signifies you need to run, or it could be something he has recognized and is working on because he understands the value of quality and healthy friendships.
Baggage is “past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.” These are also things that you need to “discuss and proceed with caution” about because they can affect you and the health of the relationship, but in different ways. These are experiences like trauma, past relationship issues, personal issues, etc. As long as that person is working through their baggage via prayer, reading God’s Word, community support, therapy, medication, etc. and you know what you’re willing to work with them in and through, you can have a healthy relationship with them. How and if they handle their baggage will tell you if it’s a yellow flag that you’d be willing to walk with them through or a red flag you need to run from.
Example: Someone who has experienced trauma, has been divorced, or has had mostly negative dating experiences.
WHAT ARE THE TYPES OF RED FLAGS?
There are 2 types of red flags: personal and universal. Personal red flags vary from person to person and are negative attributes that will keep you from moving forward with someone. These are aspects like faith differences, certain views on issues that are very important to you, what they want in life, lifestyle habits, etc. Universal red flags are things that should never be tolerated by anyone under any circumstances whatsoever. These are things like: cheating, any kind of abuse, neglect, mistreatment, disrespect of you and others.
A universal red flag is someone who makes fun of you, your emotions, and isn’t there for you.
A personal red flag for me is a man who says he is a Christian, but does not believe in obeying God’s Word or abstinence until he is married.
WHO HAS RED FLAGS?
Some people would say that we all - family, friends, romantic relationships, employers/co-workers, others, and ourselves - have red flags and to this I would say yes and no. We all have personal red flags to someone out there, but I don’t think we all have universal red flags.
WHEN DO RED FLAGS SHOW UP?
They can show up at any time in a relationship. If we pay close attention, we can see red flags fairly early on. We just have to know what to look for and what to do when we see them.
These can be glaringly present in the beginning stages of getting to know someone or discovered after a longer period of time when you’re already in a relationship with them.
WHAT DO WE NEED TO DO WHEN WE SEE RED FLAGS?
DO NOT EVER IGNORE RED FLAGS!!!!!!
Remember that all the green flags in the world do NOT excuse red flags. The only carnival this is is one of chaos and destruction if you choose to enter!
THANK GOD FOR SHOWING THEM TO YOU!
I know it’s hard to see red flags from someone you like or are in a relationship with, but you will regret not listening to your gut to leave when you see these. Always ask God to show you what you need to see when you start getting to know someone! The times I have done this, God has shown me with the quickness what I needed to see and I have QUICKLY exited stage left! Not only did God spare me from the wrong men, but he often showed me exactly why He said NO in many of those cases!LEAVE.
Honestly, because red flags are not yellow flags and are always considered unhealthy, dangerous, or detrimental to you and the relationship, if you’re going to have a firm conversation about the flags that have come up and the way you’ve been treated, it should be before you leave that relationship. Even in the event that you are not gaslighted (made to feel crazy and that the treatment you experienced didn’t happen) or manipulated (made to believe that they are remorseful, repentant, and will change by the power of the Holy Spirit instead of temporary behavior modification), you are under no obligation to stay when there is no guarantee that they will change. Changing people is Holy Spirit’s job, not yours. Don’t stick around thinking you can help a man do what only God can do.
CAN RED FLAGS BE WORKED THROUGH OR ELIMINATED?
Only yellow flags can or should be worked through because they mean “proceed with caution”. Though they have the potential to become red flags if not discussed, addressed, and worked on, they are still not as serious as red flags. Sometimes they turn out to be misunderstandings.
Can red flags be eliminated? Yes, but only if God changes their hearts and brings them to repentance. But you are not obligated to nor should you wait around for red flags to maybe change.
Because red flags are severe character flaws and unrepentant sins that overshadow any other positive qualities, the presence of these should mean immediately removing yourself from a relationship and moving on from the person.
WHY DO WE NEED TO RUN WHEN WE SEE RED FLAGS?
Only God can change people, not you, sis.
Changing people is Holy Spirit’s job, not yours. Don’t stick around thinking you can help a man do what only God can.There is no guarantee that someone will change and we should never wait for anything that is not guaranteed.
Waiting for something that is not guaranteed will cost you SO MUCH - your time, energy, attention, headache, heartache, annoyance, inward and outward turmoil, emotional and mental sanity - in the long run. It’s not worth it.We deserve better and must never settle!
The right men for us will never be abusive or mistreat us! No matter how hard it is, we just have to ask God to help us trust Him, pray, and be patient.
WHY DO WE IGNORE RED FLAGS?
The reasons we ignore red flags are because:
We don’t know how to identify, address them, and then leave.
We think we can change the person and the red flag.
We think we should wait around for the person to change.
We are so desperate for a relationship because we are afraid of being single that we intentionally or unintentionally overlook the red flags.
It’s the norm for us and therefore what we are used to, even though it’s unhealthy.
HERE ARE 200+ RED FLAGS TO LOOK OUT FOR WHILE DATING AND IN A RELATIONSHSIP:
*first and foremost ask yourself if you do any of these things and how you need to repent, grow, and change. We should always be self-reflecting and growing. Though this was written for women, if you’re a man, the same applies for a woman you may be getting to know or in a relationship with. Just change he/him to she/her.*
Church Boy/Fake Christian: he pretends to be spiritual or a Believer to gain favor with women. behind closed doors he is an abusive and controlling heathen.
Not growing in the fruit of the Spirit. He is unloving, joyless, not peaceful, impatient, unkind, not good, unfaithful, not gentle, no self-control)
He has no self-control when it comes to his thoughts, eyes, words, actions, emotions/anger, and his sex drive, etc. We are all visual and It’s one thing to acknowledge that someone is attractive to you, but we all need to have self-control and his focus should only be on you because you are that amazing to him. SELF-CONTROL IS NON-NEGOTIABLE.
Doesn’t believe consent is always needed for physical and sexual intimacy in marriage.
He has anger issues
Fear is keeping you in the relationship instead of your desire to actually be with that person.
One of you doesn’t want to be dating the other/in the relationship; You’re only in the relationship because everyone else is in one even though you’re not happy and healthy.
You’re giving up who you are and what’s important to you.
You’re giving up total control in the relationship and they are running the whole show.
You’re always fighting.
You never disagree on anything. Someone is lying and/or hiding their true thoughts and feelings. Not healthy.
You don’t feel good about yourself when you’re with them.
Makes fun of you in any way; makes you feel stupid; talks down to you.
You have stopped pursuing and expressing any interest in your future goals.
He makes you feel unsafe in any way; exhibits hostile, aggressive, violent, abusive or neglectful tendencies. This includes spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, sexual, financial, verbal, etc. abuse and neglect.
Jealous, possessive, and controlling. (sign of future abuse)
Spends all their time with you; changes plans with friends to spend time with you or expects the same from you. (You want them to prioritize you, but not super quickly or to this extent.)
Has addictions that are unaddressed and/or not being put to death. This includes alcohol, drugs, pornography, gambling! This addiction can lead to financial abuse and danger to you and your children if he owes people money. pornography addictions that are unaddressed and/or not being worked on/put to death. IMO, it’s best to not date a man who has any of these addictions at all. A lot of these men have demonic sexual and porn addictions and are entertaining their lust. It’s disgusting. I do not believe many of them are saved. True men of God who are born again will pursue holiness, self-control, keep themselves in check and have accountability as well as they are seeking to honor God, others, and themselves. They will not make excuses for their sin, they will make efforts to kill it and walk in holiness
Begins recreational or excessive drug (pharmaceuticals) or alcohol use or develops any addiction.
He talks about or is obsessed with submission, women submitting, and wanting a woman to submit to him. This is a red flag for abuse. Men like this want a slave because they are obsessed with authority and ruling over others. Run, don’t walk!!! Submission is always VOLUNTARY and should never be demanded, coerced, or forced.
Makes inappropriate sexual jokes towards you or others.
He LIES. Even the “little ones” mean that there are bigger ones!
He degrades women; our thoughts, our opinions, our bodies, our clothes, our values, our goals.
He puts his hands on you in inappropriate or violent ways. Sis, run with the quickness if a man ever puts his hands on you inappropriately. No man has the right to touch you when you don’t want to be touched.
He has a history of infidelity; has currently been unfaithful; cheated with you on their ex partner; there have been other other breaks of trust.
He pushes, doesn’t respect, or makes fun of you, your faith, your values, or your boundaries.
He treats you, his or your family, friends or others cruelly, rudely, disrespectfully, condescendingly; especially those who work in the service industry.
He is only nice to you, but rude to others or only nice to others, but rude to you.
He has no respect for you. Anyone who refuses to accept that you are an individual with your own wants, desires, needs, and autonomy will eventually become abusive if they are not already.)
He expects any sexual favors in return for a date.
He uses disrespectful language. This means that he doesn't respect you and you can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t respect you. You can address it but it’s unlikely that they will start respecting you and stop talking to you sideways. you shouldn’t tolerate that. If you’re tolerating it, you’re enabling it. It will Toto language. Some people come from dysfunctional families and this may be normal but when you address it they should see they they need to change and make the effort to do so with God’s help.
He is a doormat, lets others walk all over him, and doesn’t speak up for what is right. Being kind does NOT ever mean you are to be a doormat! If he doesn’t stand up for himself, he more than likely will not stand up for you when they time comes.
He has trash friends, bad influences, or no godly friends. remember that bad company corrupts good morals; He only has female friends or doesn’t have any female friends. We need a variety of relationships for balance and perspective.
He takes no responsibility and has no accountability for his actions in his life from godly people who are walking with, correcting, and rebuking him.
He ignores your needs even after you’ve communicated them to him.
He mocks your vulnerability.
He takes you for granted.
He aggressively criticizes/trashes/bashes/always has something negative to say about people, especially exes. It’s one thing to righteously correct someone and discern severe character flaws and sin that needs to be addressed, but it’s another to talk constant trash about someone.
Road rage and unsafe driving habits like: riding bumpers of drivers who are going slower than them, excessive speeding, yelling, and cursing at other drivers.
Love bombing. This is a narcissistic tactic of control. “Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by demonstrations of attention and affection. It can be used in different ways and for either positive or negative purposes. Psychologists have identified love bombing as a possible part of a cycle of abuse and have warned against it.”: Quick, excessive, or too many extravagant gifts; excessive compliments and communication; demanding commitment and constant attention; saying “I love you” or talking of “soul mates” a couple days or weeks in; laying on the romance too soon; resisting or pushing your boundaries; pet/nicknames happen too quickly (symbolizes ownership). Rushing romance and a relationship/moving too fast; Super needy and codependent or controlling.
Distrustful and accusing you of things that aren’t true. This often reveals something they themselves are guilty of.
Avoidant: emotionally unavailable; unwilling to open up.
Anxious: clingy; afraid of abandonment; constantly seeking validation.
Anxious avoidant: unsure of what they want.
He has NO BOUNDARIES for himself.
You are looking for something serious, but he isn’t and he still tells you he likes you, wants to keep hanging out, and still wants to act like you’re dating.
Emotionally unavailable. It sounds like this: “I’m not looking/ready for a relationship.” “Let’s just go with the flow/see where it goes.” “I just got out of a relationship.” This meeans you’re the rebound. He needs to say something like, “I’m looking for a relationship, but I want to get to know you as a friend first and see if it could lead there.”
Emotionally immature and not growing or working on himself. If he cannot address, process, and be open with his own feelings, then he can’t be the same with yours.
Pushing and pulling away when it suits him.
Gives you the silent treatment especially when he doesn’t get his way. This is different from communicating that they need time to process before talking.
Men who want to rush or take fiddy lem years, aka waste ya dang time.
Has poor communication skills and makes no effort to communicate in a healthy way; yelling, silent treatment, manipulative. You’ll be frustrated, resentful and then lead to negative emotions and behaviors. If you can’t talk to each other, there’s no point in being together.
Canceling plans all the time and never rescheduling. (He’s not interested and doesn’t want to see you. Move on.)
Inconsistent with words and actions; Saying and doing things that don’t add up.
Intentionally seeking to cause harm to others.
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others.
Just got out of a relationship and is trying to talk to you. You’re the rebound, sis and you deserve so much more than that.
Lazy and has no ambition in life. Laziness will transfer over into other crucial areas of life.
Doesn’t know what he wants and can’t tell you when you ask him. What is he looking for? A serious relationship that could lead to marriage OR casual dating? If he doesn’t know why he is dating at all, drop him. He will either be wanting to see if you both can be in a relationship and perhaps move towards marriage, or he just wants to practice dating until he finds who he really wants to be with. Ask him and if he cannot give you a straight answer complete with consistent actions and words, move on.So busy that he can’t make time for you. He is not interested. Move on!
Calls you or someone else outside of their name or insults you and others in any way. EVER. the end. He needs to exercise self-control even if you get into disagreements or he gets angry. In fact, he should never allow himself to get so worked up and angry that he ends up doing this. (We all get angry, but we should never make an excuse to sin in our anger. Calling someone outside of their name is never acceptable.) From out of the heart the mouth speaks.
Narcissist or has narcissistic tendencies.
Immature and unpredictable.
He isn’t marriage-minded and completely OK with shacking up, playing house, or taking years to MAYBE propose.
Justifies not pursuing mind, body, and soul purity.
Financially irresponsible; broke and ok with it.
“GWTF Guy” (Go With The Flow Guy) says, “Let’s just go with the flow/see where it goes” and “We don’t need any titles.” He should not be entertained, so tell him to GIT! He doesn’t know what he wants and can’t tell you. GWTF Guy is non-committal and they don’t want you, they just want to keep you as an option or convenience. If you desire a real relationship, leave this dude alone.
“Mama’s Boy”. A man should love, honor, and respect his mother, but he needs to establish, communicate, and enforce appropriate boundaries with her and give consequences for violated boundaries. She should NOT control him and his life. The one whose mother takes care of him and runs everything past her has given her too much power. She shouldn’t dictate or run him or the relationship. He’s really just looking for a new woman to be his mother. You can have a close and loving relationship with your mom, but if someone needs their mother’s opinion and approval at every turn, it can be that they are not that mature or there is something in the background that might be too much.
Only treats women who agree with and never challenge him with respect. The real thing is watching how they treat women who disagree with or challenge them. It speaks volumes as to how he will treat you!
Doesn’t listen to or ask for your thoughts, opinions, or perspectives on things or take them into consideration in any way. This is a big sign of respecting someone.
Avoids talking about issues that need to be addressed.
He’s never wrong, never admits fault, never repents, never asks for your forgiveness, or changes his behavior towards you.
He won’t give or accept an apology.
He apologizes all the time, but there’s no repentance followed by genuinely changed behavior.
He never calls or texts. Or he says he will call and doesn’t. (He’s not interested. Move on.) “It doesn’t seem like you’re interested. I wish you the best. God bless.” Don’t respond after that. It should not take someone saying something like this for you to all of a sudden be interested or willing to make changes. People make time for what they want and care about! Men pursue what they want.
You think about giving ultimatums. (It shouldn’t take all of that. He doesn’t want what you want and you can’t make him. Next!)
Unemployed and can’t keep a job. (Being unemployed is not a character flaw. But always being fired from each job or not making any effore to get his life together can indicate a problem. Also if they are unemployed yet they still have money coming in from shady sources or they expect their parents and others to help them out, this has become a red flag.”
In debt and racking up more debt/NOT trying to get out. (If someone keeps piling up debt without any problem, there is a severe error in their judgement. They are either really bad with finances, very immature, or very irresponsible.)
Doesn’t ever talk about family. (For some people, there’s are legit reasons that they never bring their family up. It could be unresolved trauma, something they are deeply ashamed about, or that you’re not yet in a place where it’s appropriate to discuss.”unless there’s a legit reason not to.)
Has too many crazy exes. Could show bad judgment on his part and/or that he can’t see where he is responsible for the unhealthiness of the relationship
Their relationships always failed because of their exes. It takes 2 for things not to work.
Has commitment issues. As soon as you find this out, you need to exit stage left.
Has no hobbies or interests. (There are so many things to do and learn, but if someone is uninterested or their interests are limited to survival - eating, sleeping, and working - then you need to be wary. It could mean that they are strill trying to figure out their mission but it could mean that they are lazy and apathetic. And if someone has nothing better to do, they might become obsessed with you and strip you of your hobbies and interests, too.
Doesn’t have an opinion about anything or has strong opinions on nearly everything.
You’re relieved when they aren’t around/you don’t like being around them.
No emotional maturity. (When either or both partners are unable to successfully manage their emotions, the relationship is doomed. Signs of emotional immaturity include poor impulse control, escalation of emotions, bullying, inability to take responsibility for actions, lying, and name-calling.)
Doesn’t ever plan ahead.
Isn’t thoughtful or considerate of you and others.
He is not making a consistent, conscious, and definitive decision to pursue you and let you know what he wants. If you’ve been on a few dates and still don’t know if he wants to exclusively date you or he is hesitant at the thought of a commitment, this is a red flag. If you’ve been texting, talking on the phone, video chatting, and going on dates, he has enough info to make a decision. If a man isn’t making a decision, that’s still a decision. It means to move on, sis. A man knows if he wants to pursue you when he has been intentionally collecting data from getting to know you.
Attempts to shut you down or interrupts you often.
Ogles and objectifies women.
Over promises and under delivers; Doesn’t keep his word; Constantly lets you down.
Has an ulterior motive for helping others.
Doesn’t introduce you to family or friends.
Doesn’t want to make your relationship public/post about you online even when you’ve both agreed to.
Indecisive and doesn’t know what he wants; never wants to make a (wrong) decision; leaves everything up to you.
Can’t/doesn’t make eye contact.
Serial dater. One who loves the thrill of the chase and the excitement of the beginning, then jumps ship—to a first date with another person—before anything too serious can develop.”
Nothing is ever wrong; they can’t be honest
Everything is always wrong; nitpicky; can’t be grateful in any situation; complains all the time.
Brings up trauma too quickly
Too many things in common (he *may* have stalked you)
Nothing in common at all/doesn’t take genuine interest in anything you’re interested in
Addicted to phone or social media
Drama king.
Plays mind games.
Never asks questions & isn’t engaging. ( You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to get to know you. We are adults who should have decent social skills and be working on them before we start dating if we don’t.)
Always talks about themselves.
Doesn’t know who he is or what he’s doing in life and is trying to date. Honestly, he shouldn’t be dating seriously until he figures this out. This is going to be frustrating for you especially if you already know who you are and what you’re supposed to be doing. Leave him alone until you meet someone who knows who he is and where he is going.
Materialistic and flashy; talks about the price of everything and how much $ he has or doesn’t have.
Has extremely different ideas about money
Bad steward of money and other possessions God has given him.
Tells you you’re perfect/puts you on a pedestal.
You roll your eyes at him or vice versa. (This means that you don’t respect each other.)
They aren’t over their ex; They are still in communication with their ex unless they have children together.
Doesn’t respect personal space or boundaries; Doesn’t like “no”.
Demands all of your time/can’t be alone (controlling and insecure)
Fights over everything.
Hygiene: they smell bad, have stinky breath, look unkempt *to you*.
Conduct themselves as jerks online.
They continue trying to spend time with you when it’s clear that you want commitment, but they don’t.
Isolates you from family and friends (abuse tactic).
Doesn’t try to get along with family and friends (unless there are major issues that deserve severe boundaries)
They do not set boundaries with toxic family relationships, friendships, past romantic relationships, or co-workers.
Lazy and have no work ethic.
Obsessed with appearance or lifestyle.
Selfish.
Judgmental about appearances or lifestyle. Assumes things about culture or background.
Compares you to themselves and/or others.
Compares and thinks they are better than others.
Makes excuses for bad behavior.
Irresponsible
Violates confidence/gossips
Extreme attitude changes
Secretive
Not on the same page about faith, values, mission, vision for your lives.
Demands passwords
Guilt trips you for their misfortunes; doesn’t take responsibility for their own actions
Talks about changing you/tries to change you (this is different from seeing unhealthy habits or sin and sharpening)
Not generous/Doesn’t give back
Constantly insecure and needs constant reassurance.
Has double standards with behavior; Expects more from you than from himself
Talks about other women as crazy or hysterical overreacting (This indicates misogynist or sexist undertones)
Makes jokes about women or anyone else for that matter
“SOMETHING WAS WRONG” - EPISODE 2
“Why Does He Do That?” is a book written by Lundy Bancroft who is an author that has worked with abusive, angry, and controlling men.
Lundy Bancroft states that these are some of the early warning signs of an abuser in relationships:
Speaks disrespectfully about his former partners.
He makes himself the victim of past relationships and speaks of past partners in condescending or degrading ways
Disrespectful towards you and puts you down in front of others and in private
He sneers at your opinions
Does favors for you that you don’t want or puts on a such a show of generosity that it makes you uncomfortable
He’s controlling (what to think eat do dress behave say)
Subtly but steadily begins criticizing your clothing choices, relationships, giving lots of advice about how you should manage your own life
He’s possessive and becomes irrationally jealous of others
Nothing is ever his fault and as time goes by, the target of his blame becomes you
He makes promises he doesn't keep. They are broken due to the faults of others, never taking responsibility for it.
He’s self-centered
Chronically shifts conversations back to himself and his own importance
He abuses drugs or alcohol substances. These don’t cause abuse but they often go hand in hand.
He pressures you for sex and sees women as sex objects rather than human beings to be loved, cared for, respected, and protected
He gets serious too quickly about the relationship. He jumps into planning your life together before he’s really taken the time to get to know you.
He intimidates you when he’s angry. This is a serious warning sign that physical violence may soon follow. This doesn't just mean talking too closely to your face or intimidating you. This can be veiled threats such as “You don't want to see me mad.”
Driving recklessly
Punching or kicking walls; throwing things even if they don’t hit you.
He has double standards towards women
Negative attitudes toward women
Stereotype beliefs about womens sex roles also contribute to the risk of abuse
He treats you differently in front of others
Appears to be attracted to vulnerability
He is attracted to power and seeks a partner who will look up to him with awe and allow him to lead her (ok. Healthy, godly Leadership is a totally different concept from being a dictator)
When the abuser begins to reap the rewards of his behavior, his tactics will increase
“SOMETHING WAS WRONG” - EPISODE 3
“According to the Mayo Clinic, anti-social personality disorder sometimes called sociopathy, is a mental condition where a person consistently shows no regard for right and wrong and ignores the rights and feelings of others. They tend to”:
Antagonize, manipulate or treat others harshly or with callous indifference.
Show no guilt or remorse for their behavior
Often violate the law and become criminals
They may lie, behave violently, or impulsively and have problems with drug and alcohol use
Because of these characteristics they can’t Typically cant fulfill responsibilities related to family work or school
Have A disregard for right and wrong
Persistent lying or deceit to exploit others
Being callous cynical and disrespectful to others
Using charm or wit to manipulate others for personal gain or pleasure
Arrogance: a sense of superiority and being extremely opinionated
Recurring problems with the law including criminal behavior
Repeatedly violating the rights of others through intimidation and dishonesty
Impulsiveness or failure to plan ahead
Hostility, agitation, aggression, or violence
Lack of empathy for others and lack of remorse about harming others
Unnecessary risk taking or dangerous behavior with no regard for the safety of self or others
Poor or abusive relationships
Failure to consider the negative consequences of behavior or learn from them
Being consistently irresponsible and repeatedly failing to fulfill work or financial obligations
Adults typically show symptoms before the age of 15
20. Aggression towards people or animals
21. Destruction of property
22. Deceitfulness
23. Theft
24. Serious violation of rules
“SOMETHING WAS WRONG”: EPISODE 4
Emotional abuse according to the US National Library of Medicine and National Institute of Healths can include:
Verbal assault dominance control isolation ridicule or use of intimate knowledge for degradation.
Targets emotional and psychological well being of victim.
Often a precursor to physical abuse.
Coercive control
Gender abuse
Sign of coercive control and psychological abuse:
Isolation and restricting social contact with others.
Creating problems in relationships with others
Insisting on driving you to and from work
Keeping you from doing things you're good at or that you enjoy
Monopolizing you
Expecting you to spend all of your time with him
Expects you to use all of your energies to serve his needs
Gets jealous of other relationships
Constant criticism
Attempts to belittle you and dismantle your confidence
Putting down your mental capabilities, intelligence, upbringing or physical appearance
Spiritual abuse: insisting you adopt the same beliefs
making fun of you
Insist you must hold same political or parenting ideals
Gaslighting manipulating you by using psychological warfare in order to question using question your own reality
Denying or creating past events
Telling you you’re too sensitive and/or that you play the victim
Lying, deceit, and leaving out important facts
Exaggerating or diminishing the truth twisting small truths into a lie
Tells you when and what you can eat and drink and how often to exercise to meet his physical ideals
Tells you what you can and can’t wear
REFLECT & APPLY
What are your personal red flags?
What red flags are present in your relationships that you need to address and/or let someone go because of it/them?
When was a time that you had to make the hard decision to let go of a relationship because of the irreparable red flags?
What would you add to this list?
This is a long list and I’m sure there are some repeats. Please let me know where they are so I can adjust them accordingly.
