What About Me, Lord?
“Where are the quality Christian women?”
Have you ever been extra discouraged and frustrated about singleness because you have heard some guys complain about the “lack of quality Christian women” when YOU clearly exist?“ It hits deeper because it feels like a personal attack on your character, right?
When some guys complain about the “lack of quality Christian women” or some other erroneous belief, we have to learn not to internalize or take the ignorance and lies of this and other similar statements personally. One of the things I have also learned to do is challenge and ask clarifying questions in an effort to translate what people are actually saying:
“Do you really believe there are NO quality Christian women?”
or
“Do you just believe that there are no Christian women that YOU are currently interested in?”
There is a HUGE difference in these statements and we must acknowledge that.
No godly men in their right minds actually believe that there are NO quality Christian women in all of existence. Any man who says this has some issues he needs to work out with the Lord and also doesn’t speak for every single man who loves Jesus AT ALL. The fact of the matter is that godly women DO exist and YOU (and your godly single sisters) are proof of that!
What they are actually saying is that there aren’t any women THEY are interested in simply because they are not attracted to whoever is in their current vicinity.
Think about when you have heard from other sisters or even said yourself, “There are no single godly men! Where are they, Lord???” We didn’t actually mean that there weren’t any single godly men around. I know we all know AT LEAST ONE! What we meant was, “There are no single godly men that WE are interested in.” So think about why we weren’t or aren’t interested: it’s because there was no fourfold (spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental) attraction and therefore they are simply not a good fit for us.
When professing Chrstian men make these statements, they hit you (and many of us) hard because of the:
patriarchal and misogynistic society we live in;
Western, white supremacist, and/or culturally subjective beauty standards that we do not meet;
the rejection we’ve faced by not having our interest reciprocated;
seeing other women be pursued instead of or after us and automatically going into comparison mode.
In turn, these experiences have been internalized and as a result wreaked havoc in our lives in various ways; on our minds, bodies, and souls; and on our relationship with God and others.
But because you’re loved by God, made in His image, and born again, you absolutely are a quality Christian woman that God created for His glory and you must keep telling yourself and other sisters the same thing! Your worth and value is also NEVER defined by your relationship status and whether a man wants to be with you or not. It’s good to desire a loving and healthy marriage with a faithful, FOINE, and fun godly man who is right for you, but it is NOT the ultimate goal in life. Lord willing He has an amazing man out there praying specifically to find, pursue, love, and commit to YOU in a beautiful and lifelong covenant.
“But everyone around me is getting ba-do boo’d up...”
When everyone else around you is happily singing along to Ella Mai without crying, it can be really discouraging and frustrating leaving you with questions like, “Has God forgotten me?” “Why them and not me?” “Is something wrong with me?” “Is God punishing me because I did something wrong?” This doesn’t just apply to rromantic elationships but jobs, children, ministry, friendships, finances, health, family dynamics, housing, and other things.
I turned 33 in August and have (still) never been in a relationship. At times I have asked God all of these questions and felt the same way (sometimes I still do), but God has reminded me of many things that I want you to also remember and be encouraged by:
1. GOD LOVES YOU SO MUCH AND BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU, YOU CAN TRUST HIM.
Though it may not feel like it at times, God does love you! Your singleness doesn't mean God loves you less and others’ relationships don’t mean He loves them more. Singleness is an amazing season, gift, and blessing and our relationship status is not a punishment nor a reward. It’s a season of life that is to be stewarded for God’s glory and that can be given and taken away at God’s discretion. God knows what is best for you and you can trust Him. He is a good Father!
2. GOD’S TIMING IS PERFECT.
Yes, it’s good to get out and meet people, explore the world, enjoy life, and serve Him in our singleness because that’s what will honor Him and also fulfill our lives, but it is still His timing when He will bring the right person into our path to connect with. I know we often want it to happen much, much sooner than His timing (raises both hands and feet), but trying to force things will make our lives hell and we really don’t want that. “Wisdom knows that timing is everything, therefore patience waits for what wisdom knows.” What you’re praying and actively waiting for will be worth the wait, sis! If you rush, you will regret. Trust God’s timing no matter how hard it is.
3. GOD IS PROTECTING YOU, NOT HOLDING OUT ON YOU!
“For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly.” Psalm 84:11
Singleness is good. Marriage is good. A relationship and marriage are not good for you at this moment. God is keeping you hidden (kept out of sight and concealed.), not overlooked, (to pass over (someone) in favor of another. Fail to notice; ignore or disregard) for a reason.
When something is hidden, it means that it will eventually be revealed in due time and for a specific purpose. When something is overlooked, that means it will never be noticed. Just because a man is not interested in you, doesn’t mean another one won’t be. Also, all attention is not good attention. How many relationships do you currently know of or have you heard about that are/were unloving, unhealthy, unsafe, and ungodly because the women are/were with men who are abusive, belittling, coercive, controlling, domineering, and manipulative? There are a number of reasons that women end up and stay with men who are terrible partners (that’s for another post) and this is not to diminish the very serious nature of abusive and neglectful relationships, but you need to be grateful that you are not in one of these!!! You have this wonderful time to get to know God, who you are, what you want, and how to avoid (and leave) toxic people and relationships!
As you are putting in the work to be the best and healthiest you, you want a man who is doing the same thing.
HE IS not withholding anything that is good for you. If it’s not currently in your life at the moment, it’s not good for you right now.
4. GOD IS GROWING AND USING YOU MIGHTILT FOR THE KINDOM IN YOUR SINGLE SEASON!
Singleness is not always easy, but it is always a gift. You will never get this amazing time and season back, so do not waste it!; MAXIMIZE IT!!! What is God doing in and through you in this season? What has God called you to do in this season for His glory? Remember that you are already whole with God and that He created you for ONE purpose: to know Him, make Him known, and use your life, gifts, and talents to shine brightly and bring Him glory!
5. YOU AND YOUR JOURNEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND UNIQUE, SO YOU YOU MUST NOT EVER COMPARE TO OTHERS.
Comparison is the thief of joy and no two people’s paths are the same. What’s for you is for you and unless God is not sovereign, which He absolutely is, you cannot miss it!
6. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD.
We should all know by now that unless you are intimately involved in and know about people’s relationships and marriages because they are real, transparent, and vulnerable with you about them, you have no idea what’s going on behind closed doors.
Many of the couples we see are:
On social media -not in our immediate circle or community- and can easily hide what their relationship is really like behind closed doors. We don’t know if they are actually in a loving and healthy relationship that honors God. They could be beating each other behind the camera and out of sight. How many couples have we seen who looked super happy, but ended up splitting up later on and revelaed what was really going on during all those times?
Not in God-glorifying relationships because they are engaging in sinful behavior behind closed doors, in relationships with unbelievers, concerned about the surface-y #relationshipgoals stuff for the Gram, and following their flesh rather than the Spirit even against God’s and other wise counsel’s warning not to be in a certain relationship.
Stuck in a relationships they don’t want to get out of because of idolatry.
Settling out of fear, desperation, and loneliness. How many of those relationships will end up broken and/or in divorce because they disobeyed God?
Not actually happy and can’t get out of their situations.
7. THER’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH EVERYONE: IT’S CALLED SIN.
There are a lot of jacked up and unhealthy people in relationships. They are unkind, rude, controlling, codependent, etc. Those things clearly haven’t kept them from finding a relationship, but it’s about the QUALITY of the relationship, not simply being in one just to say you’re in one. And there’s no way to know for sure why you’re not in one at the moment.
While we all should be aware of our flaws, our sins, and working on them in general to continue growing in godliness and to be a healthier person, they will not necessarily be what is keeping you from a relationship. Perfection is not a requirement to receive God’s gifts.
8. MARRIAGE IS A TEMPORARY AND UNEARNED GIFT.
Marriage is a beautiful thing, but it’s not eternal, nor is it earned. No one can earn anything from God; relationships or marriage included. Just like God gives, He can take away whenever He wants to. You could be married today and a widow tomorrow. nothing is promised except Christ Himself and eternal life through Him for those who love and trust Him.
9. CONTINUE SERVING GOD WHILE PRAYING FOR YOURSELF, YOU FUTURE HUSBAND, AND A LOVING, HEALTHY MARRIAGE THAT HONORS HIM.
Pray for God to mold you into the godly woman He wants you to be for HIM and HIS glory, not for a man or marriage. Pray for God to mold your future husband into a godly man for HIM and HIS glory, not specifically for you or marriage. Pray for the right godly man - who is specifically sold out for Christ, who is praying for you, and who desires to be a loving, faithful, and godly husband to you one day - to come into your life at the right time.
Whoever God has for you is not going to be perfect, but he is going to be perfect for you.
You are deeply loved by Him and your identity and confidence is found only in Jesus. God has not forgotten about you.
REFLECT AND APPLY
What does God want you to be encouraged by when you ask, “What about me, Lord?”
Which of these 9 reminders encouraged you the most? Why?
What would you add to these encouragements?
Write down all 9 of these reasons and underneath, write out what applies to your situation.
How and why might God apecifically be working in your heart here?
