Singleness IS a gift. At times, it’s hard to hear and believe these words, but it’s true. What’s also true is that that there are definitely aspects of singleness that are hard: the deep and intense loneliness; no sexual intimacy to be experienced in a safe place with someone who truly loves and cares for you; no companionship or special someone to talk to about your day, spend time with, or receive encouraging message from; and the deep, deep fear of being single forever and never having the opportunity to have a family of your own.
But…You are over it.
I have also felt the same way and asked God to take the desire for marriage away many, many times over the past 10+ years. But the Lord has given so many of us the desire for a Kingdom marriage to a Kingdom man for a reason. Let that currently unmet desire draw you closer to Him as you wholeheartedly pursue Him and the purpose, mission, vision, passions, interests, and goals that He has given to you.
Listen, singleness straight up sucks sometimes and it’s perfectly fine to admit that. I don’t always enjoy this season and I’m not obligated to. Nor are you. It doesn’t mean that we hate God or don’t trust Him. It simply means that we are HUMAN, made in His image, and have been wired to desire intimacy and connection with other humans in healthy and godly community. It also means that God has specifically placed in us a desire for a deeper level of intimacy - including sexual intimacy - with a godly man in covenant.
It’s absolutely ok to live in the both/and space of, “I don’t need a man to validate me, but I WANT a godly man to share my life with.” And it’s totally ok to not know what to do with it except continually take it to the Lord.
“You’re allowed to hope for what’s to come while making the most of where you already are.”
Morgan Harper Nichols
I have always wanted a husband for a loving and healthy relationship, and at 35, it still hasn’t happened yet. For over 14 years, I have deeply longer and prayed specifically for a loving, healthy, affectionate, mature, faithful, and fun godly man to spend my time with and who wants the same with me. But no matter how angry, discouraged, and sad I get, or how much I cry, I’m never going to put my life on hold and I’m never going to settle. I am still living and enjoying my amazing life to the fullest even when I don’t like where I am at the moment.
Something that helps me walk through these really hard times is writing out my burdens, my fears, and then God’s truth next to them.
BURDENS
- the loneliness of having no best friend and partner in the gospel to love, serve Christ, and share my life with.
- some embarrassment and shame that I’m 35 and have STILL never had a boyfriend and been in a relationship.
- feeling undesired, unwanted, unworthy, and like something is wrong with me because I have yet to meet the right men. I know these things aren’t true, but I still occasionally feel them. We may be longing to be seen and chosen for love and companionship with a wonderful godly man feeling unseen by godly men, but we must remember that we serve a God who sees and knows.
- watching so many other people (many who aren’t even living for the Lord) get what I have been praying over a decade for and as a result feeling left behind. (Again, this is a LIE. Whose timetable am I on anyway?)
- the internal pressure to be in a relationship
- no one special to talk to, call/check on me, tell me they care about and miss me
- not knowing if/when it’s finally going to happen!
- having no prospects!
- the wrong men are always interested in me
- THIS SEX DRIVE! Help me, Jesus!
FEARS
- I’ll be single forever because no matter how much I’ve prayed and hard I’ve tried, I don’t ever meet anyone that I like.
- Never having someone to love and care for and love and care for me.
- God is going to say no even if I continue to pray
- All of my friends will marry and have children and I’ll be the only one unmarried and without children forever.
- That I’ll be the woman who prayed her whole life for marriage and it never happened.
ENCOURAGEMENT
- God is good and His timing is perfect!
- Jesus is the ultimate gift!
- Marriage and children are gifts and they cannot be earned. We cannot manipulate God into giving us what we want.
- Don’t compare your season and life to others!
- You will reap in due season when you don’t grow weary in doing good!
Have faith that God will fulfill your desires in ways that you could not have planned for yourself. He can doing anything!
Even as we desire deeper intimacy and oneness through marriage, the deepest intimacy and oneness we could ever have and are actually longing for is with God Himself. Family, friends, and spouses can leave and will pass away, but our relationship with God will remain forever.
REFLECT AND APPLY
1. What are some of your fears that you have about your singleness?
2. What are your frustrations that you have about yout singleness?
3. What are some encouragements that encourage you about your singleness?
