The Art of Conversation & Connection
“Connecting with others gives us a sense of inclusion, connection, interaction, safety, and community.”
Susan C. Young
Do you want to be one of the most unforgettable people someone has ever met? Or do you simply want to improve your social skills and how to connect with people?
Even though we have recognized some unhelpful ways that males and females have been socialized, we are still a generation that doesn’t know how to communicate. We are attached to our phones, obsessed with social media, and living vicariously through other people’s lives because we dislike our own. Let me be clear that I have nothing against social media because I have met about 90% of my current friends this way and continue to meet and connect with some great people, BUT we have not done a good job of encouraging and setting healthy boundaries with the ever-growing number of technological pathways of communication.
What is connection? Why is it important? Why is it so hard to do sometimes? How exactly do we connect with others? In this post, we will discuss these questions and I’ll give some tips that can help you connect and converse with other people.
CONNECTION
“a relationship in which a person, thing, or idea is linked or associated with something else.”
Why is connection important? God created us in His image and for His glory. We are social beings and were made to be connected to Him and to each other. Without connection to God and other human beings, we will not flourish in the way that God intended.
Why is it hard to connect with people sometimes?
- Open communication requires levels of transparency and vulnerability;
- Being transparent and vulnerable requires the risk of getting hurt and rejected;
- Someone’s childhood and/or trauma because their needs weren’t met as a child make it difficult;
- They have an avoidant or severely shy personality.
How can we connect with others?
- Conversation
- Spiritually
- Physically
- Emotionally
- Mentally
- Sexually (marriage only)
BODY LANGUAGE
Smile. This is by far the easiest way to connect with someone. Smiling is polite and normally communicates kindness, trustworthiness, and belonging.
Remove physical barriers. Try to remove furniture and other objects to make people feel more connected.
Find safe and platonic points of physical contact. Fist bumps, high fives, light hand touches or squeezes, and hugs all encourage connection and can hep people open up more quickly.
Maintain eye contact. This doesn’t mean to stare them down and scare them away, but show that you are present, actively listening, and trying to truly understand someone.
EMOTIONAL & MENTAL CONNECTION
Listen and summarize what the other person said back to you. When you do this, people will feel like you get them and are trying to connect.
Find points of connection. “Do you know what you and I have in common?” is a good question to ask and way to make a genuine connection with someone. As you are actively listening, find similarities and make that connection!
Find what moves the other person’s emotions. Get to people’s emotional core and draw out the things they may not feel like anyone wants to hear about. Ask them about their childhood, a dream that they still hold on to, or one of the most difficult decisions they have ever had to make to get to where they are now. If they are obviously uncomfortable and don’t want to share, do not ever force it.
Lean into emotional tension instead of diffusing it. Allow people to fully express themselves and validate them as you encourage them to open up. “Rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep.” And don’t just go there with them, be willing to open yourself up so that others will feel safe doing the same.
Make people laugh. Have an arsenal of silly and light-hearted jokes and also learn how to lightly tease yourself with a silly story. If you can make people laugh, you will feel more confident.
Ask “Tell me about…” questions. Get people talking about the things that genuinely excite them or that people don’t normally ask them about. “Tell me something about yourself that most people don’t know.” “Tell me about a time when you felt the most seen, heard, and valued by someone.” “Tell me about where you want to be this time next year and how you want to get there.”
WHERE TO MEET PEOPLE
So, we have covered some of the basics about how to connect with people. Now, WHERE do we meet the people to connect with? Here are a few places you can go to increase the number of people you meet!
Your neighborhood!
The grocery store.
The library and bookstores
Coffee shops.
The park.
Meetup.
Book clubs.
Small Groups at your church or other churches.
A classy bar or lounge.
Online!
CONVERSATION
The 3 keys to good conversations are:
- Active listening;
- Asking good, in depth questions;
- Understanding.
Instead of…
“How are you?” Ask…
”What is new in your world?”
”What has the Lord been showing/teaching you lately?”
“What do you do?” Ask…
”Though I am curious about what you do work-wise, I’m more curious about what you’re passionate about/makes you come alive?”
”Do you like it?” Ask…
”What do you like/enjoy most about that and why?”
”What do you like to do?” Ask…
”What are some of your favorite hobbies?”
”What do you enjoy doing in your free time?”
”Tell me about yourself.” Ask…
To be honest, this question often irks me because it’s so broad and conveys a bit of laziness to me. Some people don’t mean it that way; they just simply want to give you space to tell you about themselves. If you are going to ask this question, follow it up with a specific question. Ask something like…
”Tell me about your favorite… food, sport, activity?"”
”What makes you come alive?”
“Tell me…” Ask…
“What 3 words you’d use to describe yourself and why?”
”About your faith and why it’s important to you.”
”About any hobbies or passions that you have.”
”What you are doing or want to do with your life?
STARTING CONVERSATIONS WITH STRANGERS
If you’re super shy or a level 10 introvert, I know you read this subheading and you’re ready to run away and quit. But hear me out! You will be ok and we are going to do what’s scary and uncomfortable together. Below are some tips on how to talk to strangers and the more you do this, the more confident you will become when it comes to starting and continuing conversations.
Give them a compliment! This is the easiest way to start a conversation with someone. You can say “I like your hair! Who did it?” ‘I like your shoes, hat, etc.! Where did you get it/them?” If you are new to this, it’s totally fine to just do
Look and listen to how they engage your compliment. After they say, “Thank you”, be aware of their body language to see if they are possibly open to further conversation. If they don’t say anything further, keep it moving. But if they seem open to talking more…
they just simply say, “Thank you”, and keep it moving, it’s ok. If they just simply answer the question and don’t seem like they would be open to continuing the conversation, let it go.Continue asking open-ended questions. If they seem pretty chatty, keep the conversation going. If there is an opening or appropriate time, ask if you can follow/connect with them on social media. But don’t do this right from the jump. Ask another question that is related to the last thing that you said. “Where are some other places you like to go/shop/pages you follow? (if they mentioned social media). See how the conversation goes.
End the conversation with a, “Well, it was nice talking to you. I hope you have a nice day!” Then continue shopping, walking, or whatever.
YAY! You did it! Congratulations.
Now that you have tried these tips, tell me how it went! And keep trying it with different people. You never know what you might learn or what cool connection or conversation could come from it. The more you get out of your comfort zone, the more comfortable you will become with making conversations and connections with people.
REFLECT & APPLY
What has been holding you back from starting and being able to hold engaging conversations with people?
Were you afraid to talk to someone, but you did it anyway? What was the outcome?
What are some ways that you are working on improving your conversation skills.
