Dating 101: Establishing Your Dating & Relationship Standards
“She’s making her list, and checking it twice.”
If you are a single Christian woman, you have probably heard of the infamous “LIST”. For those of you who may not know, this is a list of qualities you want in a future husband.
There's nothing wrong with having a list. We make them when we go to the grocery store, pack for a trip with our girls, choose a job, need to find housing and roommates, and other life-y things. So Why not do the same thing regarding what we are looking for in a godly man and relationship?
I truly cannot stand when people tell women not to have a list or standards, for that matter. Perhaps some of them mean well and don’t want us to be unrealistic or get caught up making our preferences into our non-negotiables. And sometimes we do need to reexamine what we are looking for, but I think most of us absolutely know what we want and shouldn't be pressured to change our standards for anyone else. It’s not the list that can be problematic; it’s what’s on it and why.
If you do have one and it’s way too long, full of preferences, and lacking in godly characteristics, don’t throw it away. Hopefully you also have some very reasonable desires, standards, and expectations on there. And those should absolutely stay! It just might be time to shift some things around.
But first, let’s break down what standards even are.
Standards: “a level of quality or attainment; an idea or thing used as a measure, norm, or model in comparative evaluations.” “To meet someone's standards means to be good enough for them.” Your "standards" are the basic level of quality that you expect and require. People either have: unrealistic, high, or low/no standards.
“Your standards are too high!” is the cry of the…
- men-worshiping pick-me’s;
- women-hating misogynists with patriarchal beliefs that believe a woman’s value is attached to her relationship with a man
- relationship idolaters;
- miserably coupled who desperately want company;
- lazy and dusty sub par men who have nothing but mediocrity to offer to a woman in a relationship
who want you to lower your standards so they can do the bare minimum in a so-called “relationship” while you suffer for not holding your standards.
Have you also heard that you need to, “Give a brotha a chance” when he can do absolutely nothing for you where it matters? Meaning that there is no physical attraction, no spiritual/faith connection, and no similarly/Biblically aligned values present; no evidence of emotional health and healing; he has no ambition, goals, or idea where he is going.
There’s nothing wrong with having high standards and being selective. It weeds out the counterfeits! Waiting for the best fit for you ensures that you will be happily single or married rather than miserably married because you settled! Remember that your standards will never be too high for the right person!
So how do you avoid the counterfeits and determine if someone is a good fit for you? By making a LIST of standards!
STANDARDS
“Some women will hold out for 6 feet before they hold out for holiness.” Brandi
Standards: a level of quality or attainment; an idea or thing used as a measure, norm, or model in comparative evaluations.” “To meet someone's standards means to be good enough for them. Your "standards" are the basic level of quality that you expect and require. Some people have very high standards, while others have lower standards. Another example of the word "meet" used this way is to "meet (someone's) expectations".
HIGH STANDARDS: “When someone knows their worth and what they want, need, and deserve in a relationship with someone and will not settle for less. They expect to be treated with love, kindness, and respect and will not tolerate any kind of abuse or infidelity.”
Wanting a godly man of integrity who…
- loves Jesus and is growing in the fruit of the Spirit and other godly character;
- is pursuing abstinence;
- is overall attractive to you;
- is ready, willing, and able to love, provide for, protect, and respect you.
- is healthy and healing.
NO/LOW STANDARDS: “When someone is so desperate for a romantic partner, they will take anyone, no matter if they are treated like garbage or are a good fit for them, just to say they are in a relationship.”
- Accepting anyone of the opposite sex who will take you even if they treat you like garbage, but you tolerate it because you have low self-esteem and don’t think you can do better, don’t want to be single, or don’t want to wait for someone who will be a much better fit for you even if it means starting over.
- Accepting someone who is not on the same page as you, who is not going in the same direction, and who does not help you grow or vice versa.
UNREALISTIC STANDARDS: “When someone expects a perfect person or relationship instead of a healthy relationship that will still come with occasional and normal trials and conflict.”
- You are waiting for a “666”: He is 6 foot, has a 6 pack, and makes 6 figures,
- He must look like Morris Chestnut, Shemar Moore, or Kofi Siriboe?
- He must never do anything wrong. (This is different from him doing something wrong, repenting, owning up to what he did, and making changes where necessary.
But… what if he is “only” 5’9, still attractive to you, and makes less than 50/60k?
SETTLING
Settling: “Settling is making do with less than you should; letting go of things that are important to who you are, what you believe in, how you would like to be treated and loved. We settle when we start compromising ourselves and our own needs.”
- You’re not attracted to him spiritually, physically, emotionally, or mentally;
- He bores you and the conversation is extremely dull;
- You tolerate red flags, deal breakers, and non-negotiables because you have low self-esteem and are desperate to be in a relationship with someone.
COMPROMISE
Compromise: “When you compromise, you are choosing to tolerate certain things to achieve and maintain a beneficial outcome. Compromising is accepting less of one thing in return for more of another.”
Good compromise:
- You both want kids: He wants kids 1 year after you’re married, you want to wait 3 years. You both compromise at 1.5-2 years.
- Where to spend the holidays: You go to your family’s for Thanksgiving and to his for Christmas one year and alternate which year you go where.
Bad Compromise
- He wants you to put your values and convictions aside in order to be with him or to get something from you (this is manipulation);
- Changing who you are to the point that you become less of your full and authentic self, instead of more in order to be with someone.
SACRIFICE
Sacrifice: “A sacrifice is a loss or something you give up, usually for the sake of a better cause.”
Good Sacrifice:
- Sacrifice more money to stay at home with kids for a while.
- Sacrifice sleep for a season with a new baby
- Fasting
- Giving up *some* extra time with friends to spend time with spouse
- Moving to another city or state to be with the godly person you know the Lord has for you
Bad Sacrifice: This means that one person is doing all of the heavy lifting and giving up things that are important to them or adjusting their values time and time again while the other person is not.
- Sacrificing any part of who you are to make someone else feel good.
- If you are working full-time and responsible for the majority or all of the housework and taking care of the kids and are left no time for yourself while your husband or partner does NOTHING to share in the responsibilities.
NON-NEGOTIABLES
NON-NEGOTIABLES: “I ain’t budgin’ no matter what!”
Non-negotiables are positive qualities and characteristics that are an absolute must have and therefore not open to discussion or modification. Aka: you ain’t budgin’ on them no matter what!
These are essential to determine what you want in your life. They reflect your faith, core values, principles, life mission and vision, and are essential to determine what you will and will not accept from a godly man that you want in your life.
He is a mature follower of Christ who…
takes his faith seriously and is abstinent until marriage;
is walking in the fruit of the Spirit: Kind, loving, patient, generous, etc.;
is attractive to you in all 5 areas;
is emotionally healthy & self-aware;
wants the same thing you do relationship and life-wise;
takes care of his mental health;
gets along well with others;
has his own healthy boundaries and respects the boundaries of others.
PREFERENCES
* Some people’s preferences are others’ deal breakers and vice versa. Decide what works for YOU. *
PREFERENCES: “These would be nice to have, but I can live without them because they will not break the relationship.”
These are characteristics that you would like in a godly man, but that you *could* be flexible on. Basically, what could you live with and tolerate? They can be temporary with an expiration date/time frame or permanent.
Height
Hair color/type
Body type/build
Ethnicity
Facial hair
Age range
Income
Personality quirks
Likes a different sports team
Type of car he drives
Has young children or children at all.
Has criminal history (depends on what it is because this can follow and affect him for the rest of his life and you might be affected by his past as well)
Enjoys certain hobbies that you don’t, but they don’t negatively affect his life, growth, and your relationship.
Has never been married
BAGGAGE
BAGGAGE: “Proceed with caution.”
EVERYONE HAS BAGGAGE! You just need to decide what kind of baggage you’re willing to take on.
Baggage is defined as, “past experiences or long-held ideas regarded as burdens and impediments.” These are also things that you need to “discuss and proceed with caution” about because they could affect you and the health of the relationship in different ways. These are experiences like: their childhood, any type of trauma, past relationship issues, personal issues, etc. BUT as long as that person is aware of and working through their baggage via prayer, reading God’s Word, community support, therapy, medication (if necessary), setting and maintaining healthy boundaries where necessary, etc. and you know what you’re willing to work with them in and through, you can have a happy and healthy relationship with them!
Baggage is not the issue, it is HOW they handle it that matters. That will help you determine if it’s something that you’d be willing to walk with them through or a red flag you need to run from.
childhood issues and/or trauma
trauma as an adult
criminal background
history of addiction
previous relationships and marriages
children with other women
family dysfunction
Mental health issues
Other personal issues
DEAL BREAKERS
DEAL BREAKERS: “This is for someone else, but not for me.”
Deal breakers are characteristics or life circumstances (not necessarily negative) that are set in stone that you can see or know from the jump will not work for you. They outweigh any other positive attributes that a man may have. Often, you’ll find these out early when in the beginning stages of talking or dating if you already have your standards in place and are paying attention and asking the right questions, but in some cases you might not come across one of them until further along in getting to know them.
Deal breakers can be temporary (if God changes your heart and mind) or long-term. Only you get to decide these for yourself and for your own reasons; no one else.
Essentially, deal breakers mean that you are not open to getting to know a man as more than a potential friend or platonic connection. And that’s ok! These help you weed men out from even being an option as a potential partner for you. Think about when you are online dating and you get to select your deal breakers by filtering men when it comes to their faith, age, height, children, location, etc.
For instance, if a friend wants to introduce you to someone but you find out they:
Are not a Christian;
Are a Christian, but not mature enough for you;
are way over or under your age cap;
have children;
Different life plans? What are they? Would they clash with yours?
have multiple children with multiple women;
haven’t been able to keep a job;
have a current addiction (pornography, drugs, and/or alcohol);
have certain hobbies that would cause you not to respect them;
are divorced;
smoke;
drink at all (some have convictions not to drink and want that in a partner as well)
are not someone you believe would embrace and try to understand your culture
You’re saving yourself a lot of time rather than settling for something you know you’re not open to. Don’t feel bad for having these deal breakers. You’re the only one who has to be in a potential relationship with them, no one else. You get to decide for yourself if you want this in your life. Remember that you are not desperate and should not feel like you’re settling out of fear and desperation
You don’t need to automatically tell a man that something about him a deal breaker once you find it out. He could try to convince you to “give him a chance”. Please always remember that BEGGING IS NOT CUTE! It shows that you have low self-esteem and respect. Even if you find out a deal breaker that isn’t an unhealthy or bad one, keep in mind that if they are kind, respectful, and nice to talk to, they could be a better fit for someone else! After they reveal it, finish the conversation and then later on tell them that you all are not a good romantic match. If you are open to also making healthy platonic male friendships along the way to finding your husband, ask him if he is open to casual friendship.
If a man does ask you why you’re not a good fit, there are ways to do this firmly and graciously if you choose to answer him.
GREEN FLAGS
GREEN FLAGS: “Green means go and that this person is a keeper for me!!!
Green flags are great signs that a person could be a great romantic fit for a happy, healthy, and godly relationship with you! These are your non-negotiables on display!
Green flags are characteristics like:
- Strong relationship with God and there is FRUIT of it
- Emotional health and self-awareness
- Walking in and bearing the fruit of the Spirit
- Taking responsibility for their actions
- Standing for righteousness
- Working through their baggage, trauma, sin, etc.
- They have healthy boundaries for themselves and respect others
YELLOW FLAGS
YELLOW FLAGS: “I need to slow down or pause because of what I have seen or heard.”
“A yellow flag indicates potentially high surf or dangerous currents and undertows, and means that swimmers should exercise extreme caution. If there is a yellow flag, swim only near lifeguards and heed all lifeguard warnings.”
Yellow flags mean, “ask questions, discuss, watch for change, and proceed with caution if at all” because these things can be addressed, worked on, changed, and even tolerated in the event they don’t completely go away. They might be preferences or annoyances, but don’t pose a danger or threat to you or the relationship.
Keep in mind that a bunch of little yellow flags, depending on what they are, can add up to a big ol’ red one.
Examples:
Family and friends don't like them. (Find out specifics and WHY they don’t like him. There could be legitimate reasons or it could be that misery loves company and they don’t want you to be happy.)
Different life plans? What are they? Would they clash with yours?
Don't currently have a job. Why? Are they looking?
Don't currently have a church home. Why? Are they looking? Will they eventually try to find one?
Criminal history. Why? What is it? It could be a misdemeanor or it could be a felony. Find out what if it is and if it’s something you are ok with. Remember that their past criminal record COULD affect you in the future as well. That’s nothing to take lightly.
Hesitant about therapy. Why? (this is not the same as being opposed to therapy.)
RED FLAGS
RED FLAGS: “I will not tolerate this in my life. It’s time to go!”
Red flags are WARNING & DANGER signs that identify negative, toxic, harmful, and unrepentantly sinful behaviors and patterns that someone does or has that indicate a lack of love, care, trust, respect, and integrity towards you and the relationship. They threaten your health and safety and that of the potential or current relationship.
RED will ALWAYS mean “RUN”. Since these are not yellow flags and will always overshadow any “positive” qualities this person has, you should never wait on them to *maybe* be changed or worked through! You will need to immediately move on from them and the relationship you had with them.
In the event you do address red flags, be prepared for possible pushback, gaslighting, or pleading for another chance accompanied by empty promises and short-term behavioral changes.
Some examples of red flags are someone who:
claims to be a follower of Christ, but justifies sin and unrighteous living.
is emotionally unsafe/abusive by making fun of you, your emotions, and who doesn’t care to be there for you when you need love and support.
doesn’t respect your NO or any other boundaries you have and communicate,
is unsafe and puts you at risk or in harms way
tries to control you.
calls you names, threatens you, or disrespects you
is a liar/dishonest
is rude or disrespectful to you, others, waitstaff or anyone in the service industry
has anger issues
talks to or about women in an objectifying or degrading way
puts his hands on you in violent or inappropriate ways
says “they’ll do better”, but there’s no evidence of genuine repentance and change in behavior
cheats or has a history of infidelity
There are hundreds of red flags and if you ignore them, it will cost you so much time, energy, heartache, headache, annoyance, and inward and outward turmoil in the long run. If you foolishly choose to tolerate red flags after you have clearly seen them, you must be prepared for a life of misery until you recognize that you have complete control over what you will and will not tolerate in your relationship and can leave. You will always regret staying longer than you should have.
Remember that tolerating and enabling abuse is not a godly or virtuous quality. It is dangerous and foolish. A man should never open his mouth to disrespect you, raise his hand to hit you, withhold love and affection as punishment because you didn't do what he wanted you to do, or be unfaithful and justify doing so.
CONCLUSION
