Makidada: The Necessity of Godly Friendships
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Proverbs 18:24
Who was your first friend and how did you meet? What connected you to them and where are they now?
I don’t think we give children enough credit sometimes when it comes to their capability to grasp abstract concepts such as life in the future. Any adult who is close to or in semi-contact with their childhood best friend will probably tell you that when they were young, they believed their best friend(s) would be in their lives forever.
For some of us, that rings true. For others, not so much. Regardless of where your first friend(s) is/are now, the fact still remains: we need friendship. We were not created to be alone; We were created to have relationships with God and others; for community.
“You and me, Us never part
Makidada
You and me, Us have one heart
Makidada
Ain’t no ocean, ain’t no sea
Makidada
Keep my sista way from me
Makidada.”
In the book (and movie), “The Color Purple” the sisters Nettie and Celie play and sing a hand game called “Makidada,” which is a Swahili word “Little Sister.” The words of the song celebrate a relationship in which the two girls vow to never part or be separated from one another.”
As a Christian woman in my 30’s, I believe I have finally found a majority of “my tribe” that I will have for the rest of my life. I say majority because I genuinely like meeting new people, making new friends, and realize that I have a fairly high capacity for healthy and quality friendships. As God brings more genuine people and connections into my life, I am open to them.
But it was not easy getting to this place to find my people. After high school, I lost contact with almost all of my high school friends because we just grew in different directions.
The first half of my time at Georgia State University from 2006-2009 was fairly easy with making friends. I was still very social, inviting, and didn’t meet a stranger. Some of my friends joked that I knew the whole school and almost all of Atlanta. But over time we grew apart due to changing personalities, interests, values, and social circles which was primarily related to them making different friends and pledging sororities.
The second half at GSU from 2009-2012 changed everything because I met Jesus and was radically converted to the Christian faith. My thoughts, words, actions, values, interests, and desired career path all changed because of this. Those I considered friends and the people I used to work and spend a majority of my time with soon because distant because there was really nothing of substance to connect us anymore.
What Is A Friend & Why Do We Need Them?
Friend:
”A person whom one knows and with whom one has a bond of mutual affection.”
Having healthy friendships not only improves our overall quality of life, but they also help us in our walk with Christ. Obviously true growth and transformation doesn’t happen apart from Jesus, but you absolutely need godly friends who will walk with you closer to Him so that you can continue to mold you into who you should be. And you don’t just need them, they need you too! Friendships have no choice but to be mutual.
While it’s totally unrealistic to think that we are going to be best friends with everyone, as Christians, we are family and should seek to be kind and include others as often as possible. CLIQUINESS IS NOT A KINGDOM CONCEPT, it’s a worldly one. ***Keep in mind that there’s a difference between naturally getting along with certain people better and purposely excluding those you don’t click with when they are not seeking to be divisive.
There are (at the most) 6 types of relationships I believe that we all have to navigate in life:
Our relationship with God,
Our relationship with ourselves,
Our relationship with our family,
Our relationships with our friends,
Our relationships with our romantic partners,
Our relationships with everyone else.
It’s in our friendships, whether seasonal or lifetime, that we learn how to…
love and serve others,
give grace and bear with others through their own walk, growth, and maturity with Jesus,
correct others in love,
set healthy boundaries,
see different perspectives which helps us to be more understanding and well-rounded in life,
communicate better and more effectively,
be transparent and vulnerable,
walk through the highs and lows of life. This helps us to stay encouraged and trust God along our journey.,
navigate conflict and rejection,
end friendships when it’s time,
receive correction in love when we are in sin. This helps us to continue pursuing holiness and righteousness in Christ.,
receive help with growing in our relationship with God, ourselves, and others.
With whom do you have a bond of mutual affection with?
Each of your people brings something unique and significantly special to your life because God’s heart and character is in them! Think about what those qualities are and celebrate those friends, the different perspectives they have, the encouragement that they bring to your life, and what God is trying to show and tell you through them.
Also consider this when you’re dating, but do use discernment because those who are not following the Lord will be limited in what they can offer to your life s they do not have the same faith, core values, and worldview that God gives to us as followers of Christ. Some of their perspectives will be helpful for you and others will not be. Always ask God for wisdom and discernment with these situations.
What To Look For In Friends
Jerry Flowers Jr. is a co-founder of Redefined TV and lead pastor of Time of Celebration Ministries Church which is based in Houston, Texas. He said this about friendships in one of his Instagram videos:
“You never have to chase true friends and their love.
They celebrate you.
They are not envious or jealous.
They tell you the truth.
They won’t gossip.
They won’t let you continue in foolishness.
They are willing to be inconvenienced
Love is sacrifice.
Love corrects and doesn’t want you to live life wrong.
They cover you and don’t expose you. Meaning they aren’t putting your business out in the street.
They keep no record of wrong,”
Do your friends love, encourage, support, and appreciate you? Do you love, encourage, support, and appreciate your friends as well? Every healthy relationship needs reciprocity to thrive, otherwise it will die.
We all know that there are no perfect people and that friends are going to unintentionally annoy and offend each other. These things should never happen on purpose.
If we want deep, authentic, and rich friendships that are healthy, we also need to have boundaries and effective communication. Friendship should mean we can come to each other when we need to. Although we can’t fix each other’s problems and we shouldn’t expect the other to do so, we can and should be there to the best of our ability to love, encourage, and support our friends.
What else would you look for in friends?
How To Make Friends
It may sound silly to ask how to make friends, but it’s a very legitimate question especially if you are over 30! You are not they only one wondering, “How in the world do I make friends after 30??? Where do I go? What do I do? Do other people my age even want to meet new people and make new friends?”
While it’s understanding to continue to invest in the current friendships that you already have, I personally can’t get down with the #NoNewFriends mentality. I love meting new people, making new friends, and you just never know what value a new person can bring to your life and vice versa.
You know why it can be hard to make new friends? Because it takes work and requires transparency, vulnerability, and intimacy. Those things are scary. Connection is scary. It’s basically an invitation to potentially be hurt. But ask yourself, “Is it worth taking the risk?”
Here are some ways to meet new people and make new friends!
Visit coffee shops. Sit near someone who you might want to start a conversation with or be open to talking to someone who sits near you.
Join Meetup for some different events, meetings, and mixers.
Find some other interest/hobby groups in your city.
Join a book club.
Join an active Facebook group.
Take up a new activity or hobby.
Join a young adult or small group at a different church.
Check out Eventbrite for different events and mixers.
Check out my blog post titled, “The Art of Conversation and Connection” which gives more detail about how to talk to and connect with people!
Attraction & Opposite Sex Friendships
One of my closest friends, K, is a brother in Christ that I’ve known for almost 5 years! I have a great feeling that K and whoever my husband is will be friends and I hope I’m friends with whoever K’s wife will be. We were both here before our significant others and we have great communication and healthy boundaries. There’s no need for anyone who romantically enters either of our lives to be insecure about our friendship. I honestly want more male friendships like this and am actively on a search for them!
Attraction to someone shouldn’t make friendship awkward. And if you really think about it, you’re attracted to all of your friends in some way and that’s quite normal! There is something that draws you to each of your friends and it’s not always sexual. It can be spiritual, emotional, mental, and when it comes to the physical aspect, there is something about each of your people that is aesthetically appealing to you. Because we are all visual creatures to some degree, that shouldn’t be weird.
Also, what exactly is wrong with liking your opposite sex friends? Are we to only be friends with people that we aren’t attracted to? It’s really more about how we navigate through the attraction that we have to them. If we can recognize that attraction to our opposite sex friends is completely ok and that we just simply have to exercise self-control in our thoughts, words, and actions, nothing has to be weird.
As I think more about friendship, the importance of having strong and healthy opposite sex friendships, and the unfortunate toxic thinking that we can’t be friends with those of the opposite sex, I CALL FOUL!
We need each other to have healthier and more well-rounded lives. Otherwise, we miss out on valuable perspectives and unique affirmation and encouragement.
Building Friendships With Married Couples
Because the body of Christ is made up of people in various seasons of life, we should not only be doing life with people who are in the same season as us. Again, we miss out on valuable perspectives and encouragement when this happens.
When it comes to making friends with married couples, seek to get to know the husband AND the wife. You may connect with one more than the other, but it’s still good to try and get to know each of them as unique individuals with their own background, thoughts, passions, interests, and goals. You should also get to know them as a unit since this is how we should view a happy, healthy, and Christ-centered marriage: two individuals who are unique and still ONE through God’s covenant.
Ask to come over for dinner or hang out after the kids are down. Invite them over to your place. Go for a walk. Try a new lunch spot with them.
Unfortunately for some us single women, we can be looked at by insecure people as potential husband stealers. *rolls eyes* Give me a break! Being friends with married couples doesn’t have to be awkward. You can have solid and healthy relationships with married people without things being weird.
Marrying Your Best Friend
There’s something to be said about marrying your best friend. Many of us single people definitely want that. The same qualities you should look for in friends are the same qualities you should look for in a potential marriage partner; a husband. I am going to marry my best friend and I hope you do as well or that you at least marry someone whom you consider to be your friend! This just further confirms that you need to marry your best friend or at least someone whom you have a deep friendship with.
When you forget that this man you made a covenant with and vice versa is your husband, you have to see him as your FRIEND; your brother in Christ. Because there are going to be days that you will not always like him. If you ask any married woman and she is truthful and keeps it 100 with you, she will tell you it’s the absolute truth.
One day back in February of 2021, I was listening to a podcast about singleness and Jamal Miller, a married man and Christian entrepreneur, was the guest. He shared his story of how he met and pursued his wife and he mentioned the importance of friendship in marriage. “If you are a garbage friend, you will be a garbage spouse”, he said. This makes SO much sense and is also why it’s so important to have healthy friendships and to look for people who have healthy friendships as well.
He was encouraging single people to invest in their friendships NOW for healthy human interaction and quality of life for themselves and not just so you can be a good spouse. But he made the point that should you marry, your spouse will benefit from the healthy relationships you already had and were investing in for yourself and others.
A few years ago I was listening to a YouTube video titled “Dialogue: The Relationship Idol”. There were 3 married couples on the panel and one of the women mentioned the importance of friendship in her marriage. She said that because her husband is her best friend, when she is upset with him she can talk to him as a FRIEND and not as her husband in that moment. I thought this was very insightful.
Building and continuing to built the friendship should be the priority. Since we like AND love our friends and work to maintain those healthy friendships, it only makes sense that it should be present in your romantic or marital relationship.
WHAT’S NEXT?
Genuine and healthy platonic relationships are an important part of every human’s growth, development, and life. We can’t choose our family, but we can definitely choose our friends. Whether you had friends growing up that are still around, had a hard time making friends and still do, have lost friends, or something else, we should take time to recognize how important friendships are and how to invest in the current and future friendships that we have.
REFLECT & APPLY
What makes a good friend and what do healthy friends and friendships look like?
Who are your current closest friends and why? Do they appreciate and support you? Vice versa?
How are you nurturing those friendships now?
Are there any friendships that you need to water, repair, or let go of for the sake of your growth as a holistically healthy woman?
If you don’t have any close friends, have you asked the Lord to bring them to you and maybe what part you play in that?
