Dating 101: TDQ’s (Part 3)

*YOU DO NOT HAVE TO ASK ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS IF YOU DON’T WANT TO. THESE ARE SUGGESTIONS TO HELP YOU FIGURE OUT WHO MIGHT BE A GOOD ROMANTIC FIT FOR YOU. MOST OF THESE WILL BE ANSWRED IN THE NATURAL PROGRESSION OF YOUR CONVERSATIONS.*

Um… Brit? What in the world is a TDQ? TDQ is an acronym I made that stands for “Top Dating Questions”. These are some of the main questions that I believe we can ask to help us vet, assess, and evaluate if a man is SAFE and could be more than a quality friend. What are we assessing?:
- Faith
- Values
- Character
- Life mission and vision
- Attraction & Connection (5 layers)
- Passions
- Interests/hobbies
- Goals
- Lifestyle
- Non-negotiables
- Preferences
- Baggage
- Deal breakers
- Green flags
- Yellow flags
- Red flags

While will discuss all of these in later blog posts, learning how to properly vet men is a crucial skill to gain as you meet and date men online and/or in person. obviously you can’t really know someone until you get to know them, but these questions

I firmly believe that before you ask a man any of these questions, you should know YOUR own answers to those same questions first. The reason you need to do this is so that you will get to know yourself better and the type of man you want, need, and deserve for a happy, healthy, and relationship that glorifies God.

Wait for him to answer each question BEFORE you respond.
Some men are wicked, deceitful, and will do anything to get a woman (especially into bed), including lie, manipulate, and try to temporarily change themselves to be what she says she wants. This can be avoided by using wisdom with knowing when and what to share about yourself. Don’t ever feel bad about telling a man at any point during the talking/dating phase that you are only open to friendship when you know for sure that you wouldn’t want anything romantic with him. There are actually some respectful and kind men out there who are open to quality and healthy friendships with women!

It is more than ok to take your time when getting to know someone, but I suggest asking these 13 open-ended questions to figure out of this might be someone who might be a good fit for you. Don’t hesitate to come up with some of your own questions to ask and also listen for specific and thoughtful answers to get an idea if he is truly interested in getting to know you and actually a good communicator,

So, here are some questions to help you figure out if there could potentially be anything more than friendship with someone:

1. RELATIONSHIP STATUS/PAST MARRIAGE
   “Are you currently attached to anyone, in a relationship, separated, divorced, or widowed? (SEPARATED IS STILL MARRIED, SO DO NOT PROCEED IF THIS IS THE CASE!!!) “Have you been married before? If he is divorced, ask for how long? What happened? What was the marriage like? What did you learn about yourself from it? Have you been to therapy? If you marry again, what will you do differently in your next marriage? How long have you been single? How long ago was your last relationship? What was that like? What did you learn about yourself from it? What will you do differently in your next one?”
   
   You don’t have to get all of the nitty gritty details up front, but you do need honest answers if you want to proceed forward with getting to know this man. A spiritually and emotionally healthy man will be honest, have taken the time to go to the Lord, heal, self-reflect, do some heart work, and go to therapy about his past relationships and/or marriage. If he has not done any of that, he may end up bringing unnecessary baggage into a potential relationship with you and you will want to steer clear of this.
   
   

2. CHILDREN
   ”Do you have any children? How many? How many different mothers? Are you involved in their lives? How? How often do you see them? How are you making sure that you are a good father to them? Do you want more?”
   
   If you are not open to dating men with children, move on and do not force it. There are plenty of men out there who don’t have children and do want them one day, so don’t settle if you know this isn’t for you! If you do choose to date a man with children from a previous relationship or marriage, you will need to make sure that is something you are truly open to. There are a number of specific dynamics you will need to figure out with him, the children, and the children’s mother if she is in the picture. Be discerning and don’t tolerate drama in the name of “having a man”. It’s not worth it!

3. MARRIAGE AND CHILDREN
   ”What are your views on marriage? What do you believe the purpose of marriage is? Do you want to be married (or married again)? Why? Do you want children (or more children)? Why?”
   
   Any man who wants to get married and have children tomorrow is always a red flag, but make sure you’re on the same page about wanting marriage and/or children. If he doesn’t want what you do, MOVE ON! You will not change his mind nor should you try to. This may seem like an intense question to ask so early on, but if you know you definitely want to be married and have children whether biological, fostered, and/or adopted), you need to know his views sooner rather than later.
   
   Does he view marriage as a loving and partnership between a husband and wife who are both made in the image of God; equal in dignity, worth, and value, and to be treated with love, care, trust, and respect even though they are different in other ways? Does he believe in MUTUAL submission or does he bring up submission in an effort to assert control and dominance over you? Does he believe a man who wants to be a husband and maybe father has a very big responsibility to love and represent God well especially in his marriage to his wife and any children he has?
   
   Does he want children in his life at all whether they are biological, fostered, adopted, nieces, nephews, cousins, godsons, goddaughters, mentees, disciples, neighborhood children, kids at church, the children of his friends, etc.? Does he want to make disciples and be a light for Christ for the next generation and generations to come? If he wants to be a father, do you see qualities that would make him a loving, supportive, and engaged one who will love and lead his children well? And will he love his children well by loving their mother well???
   
   Would this man be a wonderful, loving, fun, kind, patient, and protective husband to you AND father to your children?
   
   

4. FAITH
   ”I’d love to hear more about your faith and how you came to know Jesus. How would you describe your current spiritual beliefs? How would you describe your current relationship with God? What is your relationship with God like? How does your faith walk with Christ impact your day to day life and your decisions? I’m curious to hear more about your faith background and what your faith journey has been like. Where are you now in your faith journey? How do you apply God’s Word to your daily life?”
   
   Because you are born again, your relationship with God is the MOST important aspect of your life and absolutely non-negotiable when it comes to a potential romantic relationship. Marriage has enough challenges with another follow of Christ that you are suitable with, so why purposely make the rest of your life a living Hell because you refused to be patient and wait on the Lord?
   
   Just because a man professes to be a Christian doesn’t mean he is suitable for YOU. Not only should your faith be in alignment, but the way you want to live your lives for God should be as well. A man who truly loves the Lord will make it evident in his thoughts, words, and actions naturally. Don’t skimp on asking the theological or practical spiritual questions while you’re looking for fruit.
   
   

5. ABSTINENCE/BOUNDARIES
   “What are your views/thoughts on abstinence and sexual integrity? What are your personal physical boundaries? Tell me about your sexual ethic. How and when did you form it? What are your views on sex and sexual activity? How long have you be pursuing abstinence? When is the last time you were tested for STI’s?”
   
   There is no reason that a man who is pursuing abstinence should be regularly getting tested for sexually transmitted infections. It is one thing if he slipped up and engaged win sexual activity with someone and is repentant, but if this is a regular thing for him because he is unrepentantly sexually active, you need to move on.
   
   Asking about a man’s views on sex and physical boundaries first is necessary so that he is not tailoring his answers to yours. Only entertain men who have similar boundaries and views about abstinence, sex, and sexual activity so that you both can help each other pursue sexual integrity for the Lord together. This is also one way you can see the way he leads (if that is what you are looking for).
   
   

6. LIFE MISSION & VISION
   “What is your life mission and how are you pursuing that now? What is the life vision that you have for your life and how are you pursuing that?”

   
   Your mission is what you’re called to and the vision is what you want that to specifically look like as you’re living out your mission. When you know what your own kingdom mission and vision is, this will help you discern if:
   - both of your missions and visions are suitable for each other
   - you can walk with him, grow together, and support each other in the journey as you both serve the Lord.
   
   Everyone is in a different place in their life and some men still don’t know their life mission and vision. If you want to wait around for a man to figure this out, that is up to you. Just ask yourself how long you’re willing to wait for him to figure it out at all. If this is what you are planning to do then active potential, not passive potential, is a MUST!

   But if you are of a certain age, know exactly what you want, and have no interest in waiting on a man to figure out what he is supposed to be doing, you are well within your right to wait for a man who already knows what he is called to do and who is in alignment with where you are already going.
   
   Don’t date dreamers, date DOERS!
   
   

7. LIFE GOALS/OBJECTIVES
   ”What are 3 or more life goals/objectives that you have and how are you currently pursuing them? What are your short-term and long-term goals for your life and how are you pursuing them?”
   
   Does this man have ambition and drive? Is he making things happen? Does he have a plan that he is actively working on? Do you like where he wants to go and how he wants to use his gifts for the kingdom? Can you encourage one another as you walk with Jesus together?
   
   It is important to see what kind of ambition a man has. A man with no goals and no drive to accomplish them will also not be able to help and encourage you to accomplish your own nor lead a family. Also, the type of goals he has and how he prioritizes them will tell you a lot about him. Are his goals merely superficial or are they about spiritual growth, character development, financial responsibility, etc.?
   
   

8. PASSIONS
   “What are you passionate about? What wakes you up in the morning?”
   
   These will be linked to the goals he has and what some of his core values are. Does he only mention sports, making money, or material items? Or does he talk about his faith in Christ, a concern for others, working on himself, etc. that he’s passionate about?

9. VALUES
   “What are 5 of your core values? What are some other personal values that you have?”
   
     “Core values are the fundamental beliefs of a person or organization. These guiding principles dictate behavior and can help people understand the difference between right and wrong.”
   
     Think about your own core values, write them down, and why they are important to you. You need to know what his core values are to see if they line up with yours or if he even has them! You don’t want to date someone who has trash values or none at all. 

10. FRIENDSHIPS
    “Tell me about your closest friends: How did you meet them? How long have you known them? What do you like about them? Tell me about a time(s) they corrected/held you accountable to do what was right when you didn’t want to? What do you like to do with them?”
    

      “Do not be deceived. Bad company corrupts good morals.” - 1 Corinthians 15:33. Someone’s closest friends will tell you a LOT about them: their values and goals, interests and hobbies, and future. You need to pay close attention to who a man’s friends are (or if he even has any), how he speaks of them, and what they talk about and do when they are together. If his friends are all unbelievers and belong to the streets, misogynistic jerks, or worse - Hell-bound moralists - that’s a huge red flag. It won’t be long before he is influenced by them or is actually secretly just like them and merely playing the manipulative “church boy” card to get something from you.
    
    A godly man will have and be seeking godly friends and influences.
    
    

11. MENTORS/DISCIPLESHIP
    “Do you have any godly men who are mentoring or discipling you? Tell me about them. How did you meet them? How long have you known them? What do you appreciate about them? How do they encourage and hold you accountable to live for the Lord? If you don’t have any mentors/disciplers, is that something you are actively looking for? Who are you accountable to? Are you discipling or mentoring any young boys or men? Tell me about them and how those relationships started. Who are some of the men that you look up to in your life?”
    
     You MUST meet the people in his life that he has built a relationship with. If he doesn’t have healthy relationships with other healthy men, he can’t have a healthy relationship with you. If he’s not currently discipling anyone or being discipled, ask if that’s something he desires and if he’s trying to find it; especially the latter. It’s important to know who is pouring into him and who he may be pouring into. Disciples will seek to make Disciples. (Matthew 28:19-20)
    
      If he does not currently have anyone to whom he is accountable, this is a yellow, quite possibly a red flag. He should care about this and be trying to find someone to hold him accountable and walk with him as he walks with Jesus. Chances are that if he has someone who is discipling or mentoring him, those same godly men are holding him accountable in his walk with Christ and other areas of his life.
    
    Lord willing if you begin dating each other, these same godly men will be giving him sound and wise advice when it comes to how he should be leading and treating you in your relationship. It is a red flag and a sign NOT to move forward if he is not trying to find someone to disciple/mentor him and hold him accountable (on his own and not at your prompting)  and if he doesn’t also want to do the same for someone else. Again, Disciples will seek to make Disciples.

12. FUN/HOBBIES/INTERESTS
    “When you’re not working, what do you enjoy doing? What’s the longest hobby you have had? Have you picked up any new hobbies recently? What are some other interests you have?”
    
    A man’s hobbies also says a good bit about him. If he does nothing but watch tv or sports in his spare time, that’s probably not someone you want to be with. When someone has interests and hobbies and seeks to be well-rounded, you will find them more interesting and engaging to talk to. The better your connection you will be with someone who actually has interests and hobbies that are of substance.
    
    

13. CHURCH/FAITH COMMUNITY
    “Where do you currently fellowship/go to church? How long have you been there? What drew you there? In what ways do you serve there?”
    
    There are normally 4 different categories that people are in when it comes to church, reasons they are there, and some questions you should ask for each one:
    - He has been at a church for a while: “How long have you been there? Why? What drew you to it? Where do you currently serve/want to serve? What are the sermons like/what is the doctrine like? Who are the people that you are closest to? What do you like about it? In what ways could there be improvement?” (add in your own questions)
    - He is currently transitioning and looking for a new church: “What are you looking for in a new church? Why are you leaving? In what ways could there be improvements?” (add in your own questions)
    - If he is at a new church: “How long have you been there? What made you move to this church? How are you currently serving/do you plan to serve? What are the sermons/is the doctrine like? Have you become a part of a solid small group? Do you plan on finding a solid small group/group of brothers to do life with?” (add in your own questions)
    - If he is not currently in or looking for a new church: “Would you mind sharing why you aren’t in or looking for a new church? Do you plan to look for a new church at some point?” (add in your own questions) There could be some church trauma that he experienced and as a result is still healing and not ready for a new church/faith community. Church trauma is real and shouldn’t be overlooked or rushed to heal from. But if he is a skeptic/unbeliever, has no interest in, and doesn’t see the importance of a healthy church community, it’s definitely a read flag that you should not proceed.
    
    These questions can also be a little tricky because anyone can be moralistic (not born again, but doing good deeds and believing they are a good person) and go to church simply because it’s cultural. Fellowshipping with other Believers should never be about going through the motions or just limited to the local church gathering on Sundays. Ask specific questions, listen to answers, and look at his fruit as well. Ask these in depth questions in the natural progression of your conversation.

REFLECT & APPLY
1. What do you think about these questions I recommended?
2. Are there any you would add or suggest not asking? Why or why not?
3. Would you be afraid to ask some of these questions because you know it would shrink the pool of potential godly men that you would date?