I’m Abstinent, But Lord!!! What Do I Do With My Sex Drive?!?!”
“Kill sin, NOT your sex drive!”
For the single (unmarried) Christian, sexual activity is not an option. It’s a very hard reality many of us must grasp and wrestle with since we naturally desire affection and sexual intimacy with someone who reciprocates our love and care for them. But there are very good reasons God has a beautiful sexual ethic and tells us to wait for marriage to freely engage in the beauty that sex is. We are called to present our bodies as a living sacrifice (Romans 12:1) and that includes abstaining from all sexual activity until we are in covenant (marriage) with our spouse.
I’ve been single my whole life - almost 33 years - and abstinent for 11. I realize that the latter is no small feat especially being in my early 30s with my hormones raging at times and temporarily wanting to throw abstinence to the wind. Hey, I’m being honest and it’s ok for you to be as well! There were times that I could have had sex and definitely wanted to, but God in me is greater and my foremost desire is to honor Him with my mind, body, and soul.
My 1st experience was with a man. Then when I was 19, I thought I was a lesbian so I dated a woman for 2 months. (More on that, later.) It didn’t last because though women are very beautiful, I don’t want to be with one. Ever. At all. Period. I like men. I really like men. I want a man. The end.
Fast forward to age 21 when I was recently saved and met a guy who worked at Home Depot. It was nothing to write home about (um. I’d never do that anyway.) and honestly a waste of my virginity. “Well, it can only go up from here!” I thought. “And when I get married, I’ll legit have nothing to compare my husband to.” I cut it off because it was sin against God and I didn’t even like anything about him except that he gave me some attention. I repented and wrote God a letter vowing not to be intimate with any man again until I was married.
11 years later - May 25, 2021 - I’M STILL HERE BY GOD’S GRACE, FAM and sometimes I hope not for much longer if I’m honest! Though I currently have no prospects, I know God could change that tomorrow and this time next year, I could be engaged and planning my wedding! Or I could be single for the next 10 years or even, **GULP**, the rest of my life. I dread the latter 2, but know that God’s grace is sufficient for whatever season He ultimately chooses for me. My mindset has changed about everything.
Turning 30 a few years ago changed my hormones. It has been no joke!!! There have been more fires more often and much prayer and sometimes fasting was more than necessary! Because I’m very selective with who I give my time to when it comes to getting to know someone, that has narrowed down my dating choices. For this reason, it hasn’t been that hard for me to abstain, but I absolutely desire sex and to be married one day. I definitely still have my struggles, but I believe my sex drive is a good and godly thing that I seek to steward for His glory.
Because I know my Father loves, cares for me, and already knows my desires, I believe in keeping it all the way 💯 with Him!!! I know it can be hard out here for those of us who don’t have spouses, desire sexual intimacy, and have full blown fires we are trying to steward, not extinguish!
“Stewardship is “the conducting, supervising, or managing of something; especially the careful and responsible management of something entrusted to one's care.”
So, the questions are…
… WHAT truths do we need to remember about God, sex, and ourselves?
… HOW do we walk in holistic purity without hating the waiting?
… AND how do we positively steward our beautiful sex drives to bless others and cultivate amazing things for God?
TRUTHS & REMINDERS
Below are a few reminders and practical suggestions I have that may help and encourage us.
1. God loves us and HE IS GOOD!
He knows, He knows, He knows, HE KNOWS!!! He knows our heart, our desires, our struggles, and that this is not an easy walk. He is with us!
2. Nothing is off limits to talk to our loving Father about.
He can not only handle, but he WELCOMES ALL of our emotions, questions, and desires. He also helps us to steward our sexual desires while distinguishing them from sin and temptation.
3. God created our beautiful bodies!
Our bodies are to be stewarded and protected for God’s glory. It belongs to God first, ourselves second, and one day Lord willing, our spouses too. And whoever we marry will seek to honor God and us by committing to love, protect, and respect our bodies.
4. GOD LOVES SEX AND SEX IS GOOD BECAUSE HE CREATED IT!!!
Sex is for….
Glorifying God (aka “active worship” as Jackie Hill Perry says)
Bonding and connection
MUTUAL pleasure and intimacy
Procreation
Sex is good, beautiful, spiritual, wonderful, amazing, spectacular, glorious, magnificent! This means that we should never take it lightly and that it should be reserved for the beautiful marriage covenant.
What other positive adjectives can you think of to describe sex?
5. God PURPOSELY gave us our sexuality, desires for sex, and therefore they are beautiful and GOOD!
God made every human as a sexual being. Whether you’re single, dating, in a relationship, engaged, married, divorced, widowed, 16, 25, 35 65, you are a sexual being with a sex drive who was created by God for a beautiful purpose: to know Him and glorify Him.
We need to remember that there is a difference between sexual desires that are good vs. sexual immorality that is not. (Col 3:5; 1 Cor 5; Ephesians 5:1-12) Like all humans, sexual immorality is not one dimensional. It’s not a result of mere rebellion against God. There are a number of different spiritual, physical, emotional, and psychological roots that are often intertwined including: a history of sexual trauma and neglect; purity culture views/background; low self-esteem; loneliness and the need for healthy intimacy/connection with God, self, and others; comfort seeking; suppressing sexuality, sexual desire, and then allowing them to run rampant (rather than acknowledging and learning to healthily steward it for the Lord); the need to find a healthy outlet for sexual energy, and the need for healing in various areas, etc.
* If you struggle with same-sex attraction, there is absolutely grace for you! We are ALL called to pursue holistic (mind, body, and soul) purity whether we are married or not and live abstinent lives if unmarried. *
6. You are keeping yourself for God, NOT for your spouse.
You should be living a life of holistic purity unto the Lord. Your spouse will merely benefit from your commitment to GOD.
Purity is holistic, not one dimensional.
7. Our sexuality is beautiful and so is sex when expressed fully and unashamedly in the covenant of marriage.
When we remember these beautiful things about God, sex, and sexuality, it will make us want to trust Him more with all of it! The more we get to know God and the more we learn about ourselves, the more we will desire to worship and honor Him with our whole being: mind, body, and soul.
8. Even if we marry, we will still need to have control over our beautiful sex drives!
Sex is not a need, it’s a desire. Sex is not a right, it is a gift. We can’t nor should we demand, coerce, or force sex whenever we want and neither can nor should our spouses. This is because it’s dishonoring to God and unloving to the person you made a commitment to love. We should love and respect our spouses, not insist on our own way. We will have to be on one accord when it comes to sexual intimacy. If one person says no, sex will not and should not happen. Also, our spouses could want to fast and pray for a time, get injured, sick, or we could find ourselves single again due to death or divorce.
If there is an issue with sexual intimacy between you and your spouse, you will need to have open communication and possibly bring in a qualified marriage or sex therapist to help you sort through some things.
9. We should want our spouses to be the ONLY ONES to satisfy us and our desires. Pornography, masturbation, and fornication will never do this.
And vice versa! We both should desire to satisfy each other out of love, not obligation. No, this doesn’t mean you’re to be disrespected, objectified, and used. It doesn’t mean that you can demand, coerce, or manipulate sex from your spouse simply because you are ready to go. Nor does it mean that sex will always be great or lead to orgasm (that’s not the ultimate goal), but the point is that we shouldn’t be seeking sexual pleasure from anyone except our spouses. This includes ourselves.
There are a number of problems with masturbation and pornography that I've read about including erectile dysfunction, not being able to be sexually satisfied with your spouse, depression, etc. I don’t think any of us want that to happen, plus if we have been waiting for a while, we should be praying that our spouses have this same mindset while they are single and waiting as well!
10. We should believe and pray for a wonderful and healthy sex life with our spouses as we are walking in purity!
This should never be our ultimate reason for waiting! You’re going to have a hard time if you believe that abstinence and virginity are a guarantee for a wonderful sex life (purity culture teaches this and it is toxic and unbiblical!). Having a good start and sex life is just one of the potential benefits to practicing abstinence for the Lord and stewarding our sexuality for Him as well.
SPIRITUAL & PRACTICAL
In May of 2020, I made a Facebook post about my 10 years of abstinence. A former college mate asked me how I had done this and it’s honestly all been by God’s grace and the power of Holy Spirit along with some other spiritual and practical things! I absolutely desire sex and to be married one day and honestly, since I have yet to meet a man who is even suitable for me - let alone worth getting to know and going on a date with- it’s not been that difficult for me not to have sex.
Though I still fight lust, I know my sex drive is a good and godly thing and I seek to steward it for His glory.
So… HOW can we SPIRITUALLY AND PRACTICALLY steward our beautiful sex drives to bless others and cultivate amazing things for God?
*some of these things that can help you do this will need to be used with wisdom (or not done at all) if they might personally cause you to stumble or sin*
1. Grow deeper in your love for God and His Word!
I love God and His Word. This is legitimately the first and main reason I’ve been abstinent for so long, because otherwise, I probably wouldn’t be!
This should be the first and main reason that any of us are abstinent. Otherwise there’s no reason. The gospel is amazing, God’s love for us is unimaginable, and His Word is life-changing, encouraging, and convicting because it is ALIVE! Reading the Word and being armed with battle verses (or whatever you want to call them) is going to be your first and main line of defense against sexual sin and help to walk in mind, body, and soul purity. When you are immersed in God’s Word and have it hidden in your heart (Psalm 119:11), this will help make the pursuit of holistic purity and the stewardship of your sexuality a bit easier.
2. Pray and be honest with God about your desires!
Talk to God as much as you want and need to. Just pour it all out to Him and don’t hold back. He already knows anyway and wants you to go to Him about everything. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
3. Take your thoughts captive! (2 Cor 10:5-6)
Whenever I have a sexual urge or thought, I imagine them as these big pink balls that I take and put in a giant basket for my husband. 😂 Then I can give them all to him over the course of our marriage since I saved them for him. It may sound silly, but it works for me so that I’m not tempted to dwell on and let the thoughts run wild in my mind. I have a few hundred thousand of them stored up at the moment, I think.
Figure out a method or exercise that works for you to help take your thoughts captive! Guard your mind, ears, eyes, emotions, and body.
4. Pursue your passions, interests, and goals!
For me this means: growing in my relationship with God, healing various areas of my heart, investing in myself, my family, and friends; pursuing my mission, vision, and goals (spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, relational, financial, personal, travel, etc.); writing for my blog, serving others, meeting new people, exploring new places, traveling with friends, etc.
Consider your own spiritual, physical, emotional, mental, relational, financial, personal, travel, etc. goals. Some other passions and interests you can pursue are: Creating something beautiful (paint, write, music, pottery/sculptures, clothing/fashion, etc.), spending time outside in creation, getting involved in serving your community, joining a ministry, finding a hobby, sports team, or interest group; mentoring/discipling someone or a few young men or women, etc.
5. Move your body!
This is an obvious way to physically release some of that pent up sexual energy. I enjoy working out, walking, running, dancing, teaching dance classes, doing hip-hop yoga (I bought a yoga mat, found a hip hop yoga playlist on Spotify, and some yoga video on youtube. It's been really freeing for me especially since I've battled my weight/body insecurities my whole life, lost 30 lbs in 2019, and am growing in being much more comfortable with my body) It gives me even more confidence in my own skin to say, "I feel good about myself. I'm a sexual being that God made and that is beautiful."
Moving my body has helped me become very comfortable and confident in my body, my sexuality, and valuing the power that I carry in them both. I want to use them as instruments for good, not weapons for evil. Finding healthy ways to express my sexuality has been very helpful for me.
6. Talk to friends (married AND single), let them know your struggles, and ask for prayer.
You. Need. Community, accountability, and friends to confess to, repent, and pray/walk through this with. We all do! God did not create us to be alone nor do life alone! He created us for fellowship with Himself and with one another. We are called to bear one another’s burdens (Galatians 6:2) and walk with each other through hard times. When we are in community and have a few people for accountability, we learn how to be vulnerable by sharing our hardships, receive wise counsel, correction, ask for help, and pray for one another. We also allow others to bless us with the gift God has given them to encourage the body! Don’t rob your brothers and sisters of blessing you with encouragement and love.
7. Surround yourself with single people who love God and are walking in abstinence as well.
Following Christ and committing your mind, body, and soul to Him is not easy, but it is a beautiful and worthwhile journey that is worth it in the end, Not only will having single friends who are walking in abstinence be encouraging for you to continue in it, it will help to keep you accountable when you have moments of temptation to go places and be with people you shouldn’t. Your friends need to hype you up AND check you, too.
8. Guard your mind, ears, eyes, emotions, heart, and body BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY.
Malcolm wasn’t playing and neither should we. It is important to know your sexual triggers and temptations when it comes to navigating the world. Whether it’s movies/tv shows, social media, video games, literature, music, or other people, don’t put yourself in situations where you’ll be tempted or with people who will tempt you to engage in any sexual activity. The second you think you are strong enough to willingly put yourself in the way of temptation and resist it is when you will fall. James 4:7-8 says, “submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded.” Flee before it has a chance to sink its claws into you. PLEASE don’t play with sin, y’all! You will regret it!
9. Encourage others.
It can be so easy to sink into an “I want sex! Why can’t I have sex already?! Please God, hurry up!” pit. Or is that just me? I find that as I am keeping it real with God, it is in those moments that I can also encourage other people who are struggling with the same thing as well. It helps me to remember that I am not alone and that we are in this together.
10. Find healthy means for regular non-sexual physical touch.
So many single people (and even some married people) are starved for healthy physical touch. I think this is part of the reason it can be so easy to fall into sexual sin: the good, normal, and healthy desire for physical touch leads us to the wrong solution of justifying and falling into sexual sin instead of trying to find healthy ways to receive this from other people like: hugging children and adults who are comfortable with it. Holding and cuddling babies. Getting massages. And if push comes to shove, getting a cat, dog, or another pet you can hold, pet, cuddle, etc.
Physical touch is one of my love languages and I love hugs, especially long ones! If you are uncomfortable with physical touch perhaps because of past trauma, please consider seeing a therapist and finding close community to love, encourage, and walk alongside you as you grow in Christ and healing.
11. Dress, speak, and walk in a way that makes you feel confident.
When I am out, I personally like to wear flowy skirts, fitted shirts, and dresses that make me feel beautiful, confident, and feminine as much as possible. The way I walk, talk, and stand is also a conscious expression of my sexuality.
Find your personal style, colors, fit, etc. when it comes to clothing. It’s amazing how confident you’ll become when you look and feel good for YOU.
12. I am still very much a proponent for learning about our bodies and healthy sex and sexuality from a God-honoring, spiritual, biological, and Biblical perspective. We all should be.
I used to be a heavy supporter and volunteer with Planned Parenthood. But because of their blatant racist agenda, hatred and disrespect for God, preborn human life, sex, sexuality, and our bodies, etc., I am obviously opposed to anything they do and every Christ follower definitely should be. I know a LOT about sex, sexuality, the body, etc. and I am NOT out here trying to gamble with my health (STI’s) and my womb (pregnancy) like that. No one else should either! The only man I plan on giving access to my body to ever again is my husband.
We must believe that our bodies are to be loved, stewarded, and protected for God’s glory. It belongs to God first, ourselves second, then Lord willing, our spouses. And whoever we marry will seek to honor God and us by committing to love, protect, and respect it.
When we learn about our bodies in depth, I believe we will also have additional practical reasons to respect and love ourselves, others, and God. We cannot keep ourselves and other believers in the dark about the beautifully intricate ways He designed our body to work.
13. Track your cycle, ladies!
I've been tracking my cycle since 2009. Since 2016/17, I have learned about NFP (natural family planning), FAM (fertility awareness method) which includes monitoring my basal body temperature (oral or vaginal), cervical mucus, texture, openness, position, and being able to pinpoint ovulation. It has been amazingly empowering to know more in depth when I'm ovulating especially so I can be on the look out for intense changes in emotions and sexual arousal. This helps me to be ready with God's word and other helpful tools to war against temptation and take my thoughts captive! * Please feel free to email me at britani.anthony@gmail.com if you want to know about how to do this!*
14. Only entertain and date people who are abstinent for the Lord as well!
Only date other believers who are abstinent until marriage and for the right reasons! Dating people who are not also abstinent is a waste of time and playing with fire. You both should be on the same page and he should be ready, willing, and able to lead in that and so you BOTH can hold each other accountable.
REFLECT & APPLY
What are some truths and reminders God has given you about abstinence and your sex drive?
What are some spiritual and practical ways to steward your abstinence and sexuality?
