Dating 101: Define Your Terms
At 32, I feel like I FINALLY understand the world of dating!!! It only took 16+ years to figure it out and learn from various sources over the years, but I guess it’s better now than after I get married, right?
“Dating is the process of getting to know people and collecting data to see if you'd want to be in a committed relationship with them at some point.”
“Dating is knowing there is interest that is more than friendship. It’s a different kind of commitment but friendship is always the foundation. Date with purpose and getting to know each other beyond friendship, but with the purpose of marriage in mind.”
Truth’s Table.
There is nothing in the Scriptures about dating because the times are different. Back then, dating wasn’t necessary. Young girls and women were betrothed by their families, families knew each other and the sons their daughters would marry, and unfortunately for some there was no choice or love involved. (Some of the betrothal and marriage traditions and relationships were cultural and merely being described in the Scriptures, not what God prescribed and approved of.) Thank God we can choose who we marry and make sure we love them as well! There are also no hard and fast rules for dating these days, but we can still use biblical wisdom and discernment to go about finding a godly marriage partner in an intentional, yet non-pressured way.
***While there is nothing wrong with desiring marriage, remember that it is NOT the ultimate goal in life: knowing Christ and making Him known, is! Period.***
Neither Christian culture nor the world has been very helpful to us as Christians when it comes to navigating dating and relationships. Many of us want to be married to godly men one day and in my opinion that means -as dreadful as it may sound- we are going to have to date. But first… Do you even know what dating is or how to do it well? Are you ready to date? Have you first done some honest mind, body, and soul searching to see if you’re in a healthy enough (not perfect) place to date? Please check out part 1 and 2 of “Before You Date”, “Soul Reflection Questions”, and my “Holistic Self-DiscoveryGuide” to help you get to know yourself more deeply. :)
For this extensive dating series, I will be repeating myself a lot!! Repetition may be annoying at times, BUT it sticks and brings about changed mindsets and therefore changed habits! This is on purpose so you won’t forget the crucial points I’m trying to drive home!
Before we start, let me say this: DATING DOES NOT EQUAL SEX!!! You’re not married yet and all sexual activity is reserved until you both say “I do”.
Now let’s define some terms that *I’ll* be using: Dating, exclusive dating, relationship, engagement, and marriage. *Note: everyone’s definitions are different and some people skip or combine stages, so figure out what you believe each of these terms means for yourself so there won’t be confusion as to what you are doing in your dating life. This will also help you communicate what you’re looking for and expect in your dating life. Again, these are my personal definitions of the stages of romantic relationships. Feel free to figure out your own.*
Some people say talking instead of dating and dating instead of talking. Some people say dating instead of a relationship and relationship instead of dating.
1. Dating aka “Talking” or Getting to know someone:
This is the first stage where you are: 1) intentionally meeting men (via social media, public places, outings, etc.) and exchanging contact information, 2) gathering data about them to figure out if there is mutual interest, things in common, and if you would like to get to know them, 3) meeting and spending time with them in social settings - going on dates and collecting more data about them - to assess their suitability as a potential partner for a serious committed relationship and possibly marriage at some point.
This is where you need to ask questions to figure out if they meet your non-negotiables and if there are any deal breakers and red flags present. You should also be aware that establishing a potential friendship with the person you’re dating is important since it is the foundation of a healthy and long-lasting romantic relationship.
Whther you are casually or intentionally dating, you can date one person at a time or date multiple people at the same time (with healthy boundaries) so as to narrow down who you want to be in a potential relationship with. As you are dating, make sure you set good and healthy boundaries (physical, emotional, mental, relational) and always assume that the man is dating other women unless you ask him and he tells you otherwise.
2. Exclusive dating
This is the second stage where, after an unspecified amount of time, you both realize that you both only want to continue dating each other to see if you could be in a relationship. I believe that the man needs to be the one to initiate this conversation and lead with vulnerability to tell you that he wants to focus his attention on just you to see if you could be in a relationship and ask if you would be open to that. Exclusive dating does not mean that you are in a relationship yet. This is still the exploratory stage, but when you cut all ties with anyone else you might’ve been talking to or dating
3. Relationship:
This is the third stage where, after a few dates/weeks/months, the man asks the woman he is dating to be exclusive: aka his girlfriend. This means you both are in a relationship with each other (no one else) and are a significant part of each other’s lives as boyfriend and girlfriend (or some other term you want to use). I believe the man should lead the conversation by saying something like this,
“I have really enjoyed getting to know you over these past few weeks/months and I’d like for you to be my girlfriend/us to be exclusive. What do you think about that?” Now, if you are ready and on the same page as he is, you can ask to go through the “Explicit Sex Questions” together to make sure you’re both on the same page about physical boundaries and sexual intimacy both before and after marriage, tell him yes, and then continue building a friendship as you move towards engagement if you’re on the same page about the things you both discussed. If you think it’s too soon, you can have that discussion with him and figure out a better time that you’d feel more comfortable saying yes to being in a relationship with him. In my opinion it’s best to do this BEFORE you agree to be his girlfriend so you don’t get attached and feel like you can’t cut things off if you find out a physical/sexual deal-breaker.
4. Engagement:
This is the fourth stage when a man proposes marriage to the woman he wants to commit the rest of his life to.
5. Marriage:
This is the final stage where a man and a woman make a covenant before God and others to spend their lives loving and serving, and walking with each other closer to Christ to the glory of God.
REFLECT & APPLY:
When, where, how, and what did you learn about dating?
What has your dating experience been like? What has been the good? The bad? The ugly?
How has God encouraged and sustained you as you’ve been dating?
