Dating 101: Before You Date (Part 2)
So, let’s break down the WHO’s, WHAT’s, WHEN’s, WHERE’s, WHY’s, and HOW’s that you need to think through before you start dating!
WHO…
...Is God?
If you don’t get this right, everything you do after this will be hot, confusing garbage water set on fire. We must always start with who God is if we want to understand and do anything right or well.
...has God created you to be?
He has created you:
for His glory
to worship and to be in right relationship with Him
to be a godly woman and disciple of Christ who seeks to make disciples wherever she is in whatever season and capacity she can.
...are YOU in Christ?
Identity is such a buzzword in our culture these days for various - and often wrong - reasons. But it is extremely crucial to our holistic wellness as followers of Christ. You absolutely need to know your identity in Christ before you start dating. Having a strong relationship with the Lord means knowing Him, His character, His Word, and the leading of His Spirit. If you haven’t been growing in your relationship with Christ and started doing the heart healing work from your past and present first, you will not know what you want and need in a loving and healthy relationship. This means you should not be dating.
If you aren’t doing these things first, you risk making a relationship an idol (which God hates), settling for a garbage (and possibly abusive) relationship out of desperation, forgetting who you are, and what God has called you to do for His glory.
...dates?...
Unmarried single people date. If you’re single, you have dated in the past, are currently dating, or will eventually date in the future. As single Christian women who would like to be married one day, there’s a lot we don’t know when it comes to dating and we need help! The world has no godly standards when it comes to dating, and the church… well, the church has told us not to date at all or created legalistic dating rules and standards. So what’s the solution? Prayer, Biblical wisdom and discernment, healthy boundaries, and a modern, yet God-honoring approach to meeting people, dating, and finding quality marriage partners.
...should you date?...
Only quality and godly marriage-minded men who love God, His Word, and pass your screening process. Otherwise, #next.
WHAT…
is dating?
Dating is getting to know people through communicating, collecting data, going on dates, and discerning/evaluating whether or not they might be suitable for you to be in a godly relationship with. For the Christian who is intentionally dating, the goal is normally to see if there is potential for a romantic relationship that could lead to marriage.
...is your relationship with God like and why is it important?
Are you praying? Spending time with Him in the Word? Do you know what His voice sounds like when He speaks? Do you talk to and process with Him? It’s important to have a strong relationship with God so that you grow in wisdom, discernment, and boldness. These things will also help you navigate dating, know what questions to ask, how to ask them, and what people to keep in your life or not.
… has He called you to do?
You should desire to be a godly woman and disciple of Jesus Christ who is seeking to make disciples and make Christ known wherever you are.
While the desire for marriage and/or children are good and given by God, they are not ever to be your identity or purpose in life. They are temporary gifts and seasons that are not eternal and can be taken away. Your identity is in Christ alone and your purpose is to make Christ known. You MUST have your own mission, vision, passions, interests, goals, dreams, etc. for your life!
What has God called you to do in this season? Or perhaps for the rest of your life? And what do YOU want for your own life? How do you want to use your gifts, talents and skills for God’s glory? As a: Teacher? Doctor? Lawyer? Entrepreneur? Writer? Vet? Hospitality professional? Childcare professional? Politician? Scientist? Engineer? Psychologist? Personal trainer? Bible teacher and speaker? Seminary professor? Missionary? Community servant? Seamstress? Gardener? CEO? Businesswoman? Secretary? Paraprofessional? Cleaning service provider? Business owner? Pilot? Farmer? Plumber? Artisan? Welder? Artist?
If you are pursuing what God has called you to, there’s a good chance you will not make dating and a relationship an idol. Though life changes happen and sometimes healthy and reasonable compromise is necessary for any healthy relationship, no man or relationship should require, manipulate, threaten, or coerce you to put what God has called you to be and do on the backburner.
How do you know what God has called you to do?
Pray. Ask God for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. Love and study God’s Word. Apply God’s Word to everything in your life. Seek wise counsel from those who love and care for you. Don’t over spiritualize things. If you’re good at it, you like it, it’s not sin, unwise, or dangerous, try it and see!
…are your core values?
Core values are traits or qualities that represent a person’s highest priorities, deeply held beliefs, and core developmental mental driving forces. They are the heart of what you stand for in the world. Some examples are: authenticity, accountability, boldness, balance, compassion, community, honesty, integrity, loyalty, etc.
...are your personal boundaries and why are they important to know, establish, communicate, enforce, and give consequences when they are violated?
Personal boundaries are “the physical, emotional, and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. To set personal boundaries means to preserve your integrity, take responsibility for your life, and take control of your life.” You must know your personal boundaries in order to figure out the kind of person you want to be with and the life you want. It’s also important to know what to do if they are violated once or repeatedly.
...are your dating and relationship standards? Your non-negotiables, preferences, deal-breakers, and flags (red, yelloe, and green) that you are looking for?
Are you open to a divorcee, widower? Someone who has children or no? Must he be in a certain age range? Have specific goals? Be a certain height or ethnicity? Make a certain amount of money? Never do a certain thing or you’re calling it quits immediately? Are you open to someone whose political beliefs are vastly different from yours or just slightly? Have you thought about these 4 categories and do you know which one they each fall into? Are your deal-breakers long or short-term? Do you know the definition of each?
… questions do you need to be asking and behaviors do you need to be observing when you are dating in order to properly vet/assess/evaluate men for a potential relationship?
This is a crucial skill to develop so that you can save your time and only get to know quality men who might be a good fit for you.
...do you want… in life?... in a godly man?… a healthy romantic relationship?... from a loving and godly spouse?... in a loving and healthy marriage that is rooted in Christ?
You need to think about your future and what you want for your life, in a godly man, a loving and healthy relationship, marriage, etc. Contemplating these things can really help you narrow down what you’re looking for and keep you from wasting your time with unsuitable men who don’t also want what you do.
...do you have to offer in a loving and healthy relationship?
It is very important to want someone who has wonderful things to offer in a relationship, but do you know what you have to offer as well? Love? Support? Encouragement? Sharpening? Spurring on to love and good works? (Hebrews 10:24) Pointing them to Christ? Healthy boundaries? Ambition and goals?
WHEN…
...are you ready to start dating?...
Only when you have a solid and healthy relationship with the Lord, you’re in a healthy (doesn’t mean perfect) place, you know and love who you are, what you’re looking for, and you’ve done the heart work.
...to keep moving forward with someone.
If they treat you well, you actually like them and they like you, meet your non-negotiables, want the same things you do, and there are continual green flags.
...to walk away from someone.
As soon as you find out about your deal-breakers through the initial vetting process (Top Dating Questions) or you become aware of any red flags before or after you’ve met in person. I cannot tell you how many stories I have heard of women trying to force an unequally yoked relationship, ignore red flags, or revive a sinking dumpster fire out of desperation just so they won’t be alone. It’s never worth it. Wait for the right man! You are not a desperate Debbie.
WHERE…
...to meet quality, marriage-minded Christian men.
Your church. Other churches. Community organizations. Volunteering. Meetup groups. Social/interest clubs and groups. Book clubs. Social media. Online dating sites and apps. The gym. Coffee shops. Bible studies. Restaurants. Sporting events. Ask friends. At the park. On a populated walking trail. Festivals. Living your life and doing things you enjoy.
Honestly, just getting out to pursue your interests and hobbies while meeting new people in general is going to increase (not guarantee) your chances of possibly meeting these men. And even if you don’t meet someone special, you can still make new friends who will enrich and bring joy to your life! :)
...to go on dates.
A 30-60 minute coffee (or another low-key) pre-date should come before a dinner date. These pre-dates are to evaluate if you even like being around someone in person and want to spend more time with them. Even though most people FaceTime before meeting, when you’re in person you get to see their whole body, body language, mannerisms, smell their breath and pheromones, and hear their voice in person. The overall experience of meeting in person will definitely help you determine if you want to see them again.
Save dinner and other longer dates for men you know you actually want to spend time with. You can buy your own meal, sis. No free meal is worth being on a date with a man you don’t even like!
WHY…
...you need to have a strong relationship with the Lord…
If your relationship with the Lord is not in a strong enough place to where you know Him, His Word, Holy Spirit’s leading, yourself, what you want in life, and in a relationship, you are going to settle for a less than loving and healthy relationship out of desperation and lack of trust in and wisdom from God.
… you need to know, love, and be yourself at all times.
So you will:
know what you want and need in a loving and healthy relationship.
only allow pursuit from a man who wants to love you the way Christ loves the church and they way you love yourself.
be empowered to choose well, not settle for what you can get.
wait for what you deserve and not accept bare minimum.
So you will only be pursued by a man who wants you for YOU.
If you don’t know God, you can’t know yourself. If you don’t know God you can’t love yourself. If you don’t know God you can’t be yourself. Basically, you risk ending up in an unhealthy, toxic, miserable, and abusive relationship when you don’t know and love yourself because you don’t know God.
...are you dating?
What’s your goal? Are you casually dating for fun (because you’re not ready for a relationship) and just want to meet new people? To learn how to go on dates with people before trying to find someone for a potential relationship? Something else?
Or…
Are you intentionally dating to try and find a potential, quality marriage partner who is a good fit for you?
Or…
Is dating a type of social co-dependency and/or lidocaine that you use to escape reality and numb/suppress the pain of loneliness or hurt from a past breakup, trauma, and/or low self-esteem? If so, dating is not the answer to your deep-rooted pain and trauma. Pursuing God and therapy will help you.
Knowing why you’re dating will help you not waste your time and weed out the men who aren’t looking for the same thing you are.
HOW TO....
….have a strong relationship with the Lord.
Pray. Love and study God’s Word. Hide God’s Word in your heart. Apply God’s Word to your life. Stay rooted in Christ. Share the gospel and God’s Word with others. Worship God. Thank God. Trust God. Talk to God. If possible, be in a healthy local church with healthy Believers who will love, support, encourage, correct, and point you to Jesus.
...know, love, and be yourself at all times.
God made you to be in a relationship with Him. You will know, love, and be yourself when you have a strong relationship with Him. (See above.)
… know what you want in a romantic relationship.
Pray. Ask God for guidance, wisdom, and discernment. Love and study God’s Word. Ask those who love and care for you for their wise counsel. Apply God’s Word to everything in your life. Prioritize theological orthodoxy (right doctrine), active orthopraxy (right practice), and faithful orhopathy (right heart affections and attitude). Don’t overspiritualize the practical things. Do you even like him? Find him attractive? Enjoy some of the same things? Have fun and laugh together? Want the same things in life? Do you respect and treat each other well? Feel comfortable respectfully disagreeing with each other? If he is born again, loves the Lord, you like him and he’s a genuinely good man, get to know him and see what happens!
…give green lights to men you’re interested in.
This is not pursuit. It’s a green light to let a man know you’re open to get to know him. It’s not hard and you can totally do this with confidence!
“It was nice talking to you. Hopefully we can do this again sometime.”
If he is interested, he will then take the initiative to connect. If he’s not RID (ready, interested, or doesn’t know what he’s doing), he won’t. The end. Move on.
“I would be interested to hear your thoughts on…” OR…
“I don’t know much about ____, can you tell me more?”
If he is interested, he will not just answer the question and leave it there. He will engage you in thoughtful conversation after answering in an effort to get to know you as well. If he’s not, he won’t. The end. Move on.
…know when a man IS interested.
He will make conversation, want to get to know you, ask you thoughtful questions, AND ask you out on a proper date (not to “hang out”).
…know when a man ISN’T interested.
He may be friendly towards you, but if he’s not making conversation, wanting to get to know, asking you thoughtful questions, AND asking you on proper dates, he’s not ready, interested, or he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Leave him alone. The end. Move on.
He is just a friend until he makes it crystal clear that he wants to know you as more than a friend.
...weed out unsuitable men with the quickness!
Ask the WEO questions and consider your own non-negotiables, deal breakers, preferences, and red flags. Let them go as soon as you know they aren’t a good fit. You cannot get wasted time back!
...confidently communicate what you’re looking for to others:
“I’m not looking for anything serious. I’m just looking to go on dates and get to know people right now.”
“I’m not looking for something casual. I’m looking for a serious relationship (with my best friend) that could hopefully lead to marriage.”
It’s totally ok to change your mind to one or the other, but make sure to communicate that!
”I know I said I was just looking for something casual, but I’ve changed my mind if you’re interested in pursuing something more serious.”
If they aren’t on the same page, tell them you understand, it was nice getting to know them, and keep it moving.
”I know I said I was looking for something serious, but I’ve changed my mind and jus want to date casually. I wish you the best in your search. Take care.”
...confidently tell someone you’re not interested, not feel bad about it, and keep it moving.
No one likes rejection. It can be really hard on many of us. But we all face it in life. We didn’t get the job, into that school or program, chosen for the team, asked on a date, or for a relationship with a particular person. It’s part of life, but it’s still hard!
Turning people down can sometimes be harder than being turned down. But you can do this boldly, confidently, and gracefully.
If you’re saying no to an initial first date:
“Thank you for asking, but I don’t think we are a good fit.” Keep it simple, kind, and to the point. Unless a man is disrespectful towards you, you don’t have to be harsh.
If you’re no longer interested in a man that you’ve been getting to know, you can simply say something like, “It has been nice getting to know you, but I think there’s a better fit out there for you. I wish you the best in your search. God bless!” Keep it simple and MOVE ON. Don’t overthink it and don’t ever feel bad for saying no to someone, especially a man you’re not romantically interested in.
...confidently spot red flags, immediately RUN AWAY!!!
Take a look at my “Red Flags!” post. Then make a list of your own. Do not ever make excuses for wicked behavior. Nobody has time for any form of struggle love.
...stay encouraged even when you just aren’t meeting the right men.
Though I personally hate dating and I can give you a dozen or more reasons why (I’ve never had them, but I think I’d rather eat chitlins at this point!), I still try to be positive about it! I still encourage myself that whoever is for me is out there and praying for me too! It’s a weird mix for me.
For most people it’s a necessary evil if you want to find someone to marry. I can encourage the stuffing out of ANYONE when it comes to dating, but when it comes to me, I’m borderline hopeless a lot of the time. But I don’t want you to feel like that! I want you to look to the Lord as you are living your life for Him and praying to meet the right man for you. And I also want you to remember that marriage and children are not the ultimate goal in life: being a faithful disciple of Christ IS.
...date!
This is not set in stone, but there are many things I have personally learned that have been helpful on my dating journey. Perhaps they can be helpful for you too. :)
REFLECT & APPLY:
•What else do you think you need to know before dating?
