Dating 101: The Layers of Suitability
Finding the Right Fit: Compatibility vs. Suitability
Many people talk about compatibility when it comes to looking for a life/marriage partner, but we need to actually be thinking about suitability instead. Compatibility is “the state in which two things are able to exist or occur together without problems or conflict”. Basically it’s just being able to get along with someone. Suitability, however, is much more specific than that. It means “right or appropriate for a particular person, purpose, or situation.” If you know your purpose and calling, you have a better chance at finding someone who is suitable for you, and not merely compatible.
Layers of Suitability
So, how do you know if someone might be suitable for you? Well, after you have done some self-discovery, inner work, and established your dating standards, it’s time to go deeper and figure out what makes you attracted AND connected to someone on a deeper level.
“You must consider a man’s faith, fabric, and fit.” “You need a purpose partner, not potential or a project.”
- Michelle McKinney Hammond
Essentially, you must consider a man’s spiritual maturity and faith in Christ, his character, and if he fits well with you and where you’re wanting to go in life.
On the first “With The Perrys” dating podcast episode, Jackie Hill Perry said: “I’m serving God NOW. The question is: Will this man help me serve God better? If I leave my singleness to be with you, it better be for greater glory and greater ministry than what I’m experiencing now.” She goes on to ask, “Would you be willing to follow his mission and vision? Can you see yourself following him in whatever vision God has for him?; Assisting him in that while pursuing what God has called you to do as well? Or is there someone who is a better fit for you? He should value what you value and love what you love and vice versa. And you should be able to respect him. If you can’t and don’t, Issa no (emphasis mine) He should be a man of godly character, who is Consistent, loves Jesus more than anything else in this world, loves the word, has issues but is quick to confess, repent, and grieves his sin. Do you respect and trust him? How he is as a man will rub off on any children your bear, adopt or foster. THINK ABOUT THIS!!!
Consider these 9 areas of suitability when dating and considering someone for a potential relationship:
FAITH: Does this man love God above anything and anyone else in the world? Is he faithful in his walk with Christ? Will he help you glorify God? Does he value, obey, and apply the Word of God to his life?
VALUES: These are the fundamental beliefs of a person like: faith, community, integrity, kindness, honesty, transparency, responsibility, accountability, respect, family, etc. Do you like his personal values? Do you have similar values that you share?
CHARACTER: “The mental and moral qualities distinctive to an individual.” This is about what’s on the inside of a person. The fruit of the Spirit are the most important character traits someone can have. After that, are they showing themselves to be respectful, responsible, a person of integrity, disciplined, etc.?
PERSONALITY: “A characteristic way of thinking, feeling, and behaving. Personality embraces moods, attitudes, and opinions and is most clearly expressed in interactions with other people. It includes behavioral characteristics, both inherent and acquired.” These are traits you can see on the outside: funny, smart, outgoing, adventurous, hardworking, genuine, open, etc. Do you like their personality? Do your personalities mesh well together?
MISSION: “A mission (statement) defines someone’s objectives and how they will reach these objectives.” This is the what and how of a man’s life. What is his mission in life and how is he planning to get there?
VISION: “A vision statement details where someone aspires to go.” Where is this man going, why is he going there, and how does plan to get there?
ATTRACTION & CONNECTION: Attraction draws you, but connection keeps you. Though attraction can exist without connection and connection can exist without attraction, in order to have a happy, healthy, and holy relationship, we need both.
a. Spiritual: When your faith in Christ is the foundation and center of your life, you will need to find someone you are spiritually attracted AND connected to. Are your spiritual beliefs in alignment?
b. Physical/aesthetic: Physical attraction is not everything, but it DOES matter. We are all visual creatures to varying degrees and your man only needs to be attractive to YOU regardless of what anyone else says. But if thats the ONLY thing you’re looking at, your immaturity and lack of discernment and wisdom is going to lead to a bad relationship. “He’s cute, but WHAT ELSES sis???” We have to go BEYOND the physical, not ignore it. Think about the practical aspects: Is he godly? Do you enjoy talking to and spending time with him? Are y’all a good match in other areas? Does he have a similar mission and vision for his life? Does he respect your boundaries? Etc. The same goes for men.
c. Emotional: Emotional attraction and connection help you build a healthy bond with the person you are with. If they have a healthy relationship with their own emotions, they can have one with yours. Attentiveness to and the affirmation of emotions and being able to navigate them will help create a sense of safety, stability, security, connection, and trust in a relationship.
d. Mental: Mental connection and the ability to have intellectually stimulating conversations should never be underrated. If you think the man you’re talking to is unintelligent, you don’t want to know his opinion about anything, or your conversations consist of nothing of substance, you should stop communicating. Talking about topics such as your passions, what brings you happiness, and current events dont just strengthen your mental connection with someone, but it challenges you intellectually
e. Sexual: This does NOT mean that you need to have sex or imagine having sex with them, but it does mean that there is sexual attraction to them and that you wouldn’t be turned off from the idea of being sexually intimate with them. If there is physical attraction, the sexual attraction can grow and come later. But you have to decide if that’s something you want to even take a chance on. Sometimes when you are attracted and connected spiritually, physically, emotionally, mentally, communicate well, and actually like AND love each other, the sex will more than likely be enjoyable especially as you get to learn and explore each other throughout your marriage!
LIFE GOALS/PRIORITIES: What goals does this man have for his life? Is he disciplined in that? Are his priorities in order or completely out of whack?
INTERESTS/HOBBIES: What does he like to do in his spare time? Do any of his interests or hobbies cause you to turn your nose up in disgust? Would they cause you to disrespect him? Are any of his interests or hobbies sinful and/or unwise?
If you know exactly what you are looking for and the people you are meeting are not in alignment with what you want, need, and deserve in a happy and healthy relationship, don't force it to work. Let them go, wait for a better fit, and move on. Don’t ever feel bad for saying no.
REFLECT & APPLY:
Do you know the kind of person who is suitable for you?
Have you ever found yourself attracted to someone, but there was no connection? Or vice versa? If you tried to force a relationship, how did that turn out?
