Church: When It’s Time To Leave
“I appeal to you, brothers, to watch out for those who cause divisions and create obstacles contrary to the doctrine that you have been taught; avoid them. For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.”
Romans 16:17-18
“Where Did Everybody Go?”
The Great Resignation was coined in late 2020 during the Covid-19 pandemic when a high number of U.S. employees began willingly leaving their jobs in a mass exodus. This shifted the workforce drastically and people realized they had more power over their work life than what was being sold to them. They escaped from the proletariat Matrix, if you will; many will never return.
This wasn’t the only space that a great resignation took place. It happened in the church as well. Some left their local churches to find a healthier one. Some just left the church building to find an alternative type of gathering, like a house church. and kept their faith in Jesus. But some unfortunately some left the faith altogether. Whether the pandemic:
revealed that an individual had simply outgrown their previous spiritual space;
exposed abuse, mistreatment, and a veneer of godliness;
showed that a severe spiritual crisis was not rectified,
many Christians and former Christians left.
“When/Why Should You Leave A Church?”
Let me clarify that I am referring to leaving a local church body to find another one or another type of Christian fellowship, not leaving the Christian faith. We will discuss the latter in another post. For some, this is an easy answer, They know exactly what a healthy church looks like and they don’t play games about their spiritual life and community. But for others it can prove to be a bit more difficult to answer. They may have grown up in the same church they are still in; they may not have the experience, language, or tools to know what’s unhealthy even if they are sensing something is off; or they may be scared to leave even if they know they need to.
The main reason you should leave a church is because leadership is not honoring God, it’s not safe, it’s not beneficial to your spiritual growth. leadership is supposed to shepherd and keep watch over our souls, not cause damage to them. when you can no longer trust leadership or a church to be a safe place for you and to grow spiritually, it’s time to go.
Here are reasons that you need to leave a church:
Spiritual abuse: “Spiritual abuse happens when someone uses spiritual or religious beliefs to hurt, scare, or control you.” Some examples of spiritual abuse are: talking about church members and their personal situations from the pulpit; using scripture to manipulate and control members; implementing ungodly and legalistic standards; guilting or forcing you, your children, or congregants to participate in spiritual or religious practices when you don’t want to, etc.
Other forms of abuse: Physical, emotional, mental, sexual, financial abuse, and mistreatment. Physical abuse: hurting or harming another person on purpose with one’s hands or an object; Emotional abuse: “non-physical behaviors that are meant to control, isolate, or frighten you. This can include threats, insults, constant monitoring, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation, dismissiveness, among others behaviors.” Mental Abuse: the use of threats, verbal insults, and other more subtle tactics to control a person’s way of thinking.” Sexual abuse: sexual behavior, act, or violence enforced upon a man, woman, or child. Financial abuse: stealing someone’s identity, property, or inheritance; preaching the Prosperity Gospel which teaches that if you believe in and obey God, He will bless you with money, and lots of it.
Nepotism and favoritism: Treating certain members better than others; taking the side of favorites over that of other members; not standing on the side of righteousness; those with power or influence favoring family, friends, or associates, especially when it comes to giving them jobs.
Sexism, racism, and/or misogyny: Sexism is “prejudice, stereotyping or discrimination, typically against women, on the basis of sex.” Racism is “prejudice, discrimination, or antagonism by an individual, community, or institution against a person or people on the basis of their membership in a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized”; Misogyny is “dislike, contempt for, or ingrained prejudice against women.” Unfortunately, many have used Scripture to normalize these sins and normally where one is present, the others will follow in some way.
Gossip, lying, manipulation, division, isolation, etc.: If you’re at a church where one person is spreading people’s business, a few people are spreading other people’s business, or everyone knows everyone’s business and leadership is not doing something about it; lies are being spread about others and nothing is being done about it; you or others are being threatened with disfellowship or unfriending because you don’t believe exactly as they do; if you or others are being isolated from family and friends in order to exert control; or there’s any other kind of foolishness happening, it’s time to go.
No church discipline or church discipline mishandled: Church discipline is the practice of attempting to restore a church member who is living in unrepentant sin. (Matthew 18:15-17) A number of churches do not handle conflict and attempting to restore those who are living in rebellion to God but profess to follow Him, well.
You are no longer growing spiritually: If you feel like your growth with Jesus has been stunted because of the environment that you’re in, it’s good to do some self-reflection and ask if it’s due to being at your local church and anything happening there, or if you just need to figure out what will work best for your growth in this season.
There are cover-ups and dismissal to abuse and mistreatment: God takes the love and care of human beings, His image bearers, very seriously. If you know or have heard about abuse and mistreatment happening in your local church and it has been covered up or dismissed, it might not be long before you might be next.
“If, When, & How to Tell Leadership & Others You Are Leaving”
There are times where a conversation can and should be had with leadership about why you are going to leave. If it is just simply time to find something that fits better where you are spiritually, doctrinally, season-wise, ministry-wise and there was no unrepentant sin or foul play on the part of leadership, I believe this is a necessary conversation to have with your church leadership. In these situations, there can be an amicable departure and continued affection towards those who were charged with shepherding your soul while you were part of their congregation.
Other times, having a conversation with leadership will not be possible nor wise. If the leadership has a history of abusive and unrepentant behavior when they have been addressed by you and/or others, it’s very unlikely that they will all of a sudden repent and seek forgiveness and to make things right with those they abused and treated poorly if you want to sit down and have a conversation about why you are leaving. When this is the case, you may have to leave without notice and further contact or you may choose to notify them that you are leaving via email and cut contact after that.
One of the hardest things about leaving a local church is leaving the people that you have built relationships and community with. Depending on your relationship dynamic with the other church members, you can still stay in contact with and see them whenever you are both available., but it’s never the same as being in the local body with and seeing them on a more regular basis.
But for those who may be leaving a cult or cult-like church dynamic, former members may be shunned and instructed not to speak to that person anymore. One of the biggest reasons some people do not leave their unhealthy or toxic church situations is because of the community they will lose.
Each situation is different and should be considered on a case by case basis of if and how you should tell leadership and others that you are leaving your church.
“What Next? Where Do I Go?”
Leaving a church is not an easy decision for those who love God, value community, and the preaching and application of God’s Word; especially if you’ve been at a church faithfully serving and building relationships for years. But sometimes it is necessary.
I had to leave my church of 6.5 years back in 2020 and it was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make in my life. I agonized over it for months; cried months leading up to and after that. It was a place I had grown, faithfully served, and built healthy relationships at. A place where I had trusted leadership for years, but then discovered that I no longer could. God made it very clear that I could not stay and I trusted and held His hand as I transitioned to a different place
Almost 2.5 years later I am in a healthier and safer spiritual environment and continuing to grow in ways I didn’t know were possible. It’s not a perfect place and has its own challenges that I was not anticipating, but it is safe and healthy.
If you have made this decision or know you are going to have to make it soon, you are not alone. I know it may seem scary, make you anxious, and even really sad, but know that you are not alone.
If you are looking for or need help finding a new church, feel free to contact me and I’d be honored to help you find a healthier place for you to fellowship if possible.
With Christ’s Love,
Brit
REFLECT & APPLY
Have you ever or recently left a church? What made you leave?
Where are you now and what has your journey to where you are now been like?
Do you want to eventually go back to a local church or do you want to find a house church style gathering?
